Texts From Last Night · warm_waffles's Favorites

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warm_waffles's Favorites Texts:

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home

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(918): I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home http://tfl.nu/noo6

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(610): My vibrator challenges you to a duel. http://tfl.nu/fz14

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(816): View more from Missouri

He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

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(816): He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance. http://tfl.nu/ljav

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(706): View more from Georgia

I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.

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(706): I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable. http://tfl.nu/ug12

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(519): View more from Ontario

That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.

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(519): That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked. http://tfl.nu/ff8s

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock

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(803): Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock http://tfl.nu/bp8m

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(619): View more from California

Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

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(619): Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck http://tfl.nu/s9r0

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(530): View more from California

Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.

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(530): Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity. http://tfl.nu/17zq

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(419): His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch http://tfl.nu/wbxj

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(616): View more from Michigan

Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me

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(616): Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me http://tfl.nu/gcet

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(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

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(937): And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/r7zp

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(317): View more from Indiana

You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.

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(317): You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour. http://tfl.nu/7a2s

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.

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(405): I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed. http://tfl.nu/abj9

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(817): View more from Texas

Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....

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(817): Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system.... http://tfl.nu/zett

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(804): View more from Virginia

My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.

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(804): My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her. http://tfl.nu/xqm6

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.

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(717): It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point. http://tfl.nu/8d6y

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(423): View more from Tennessee

By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(423): By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time. http://tfl.nu/7ckj

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(281): View more from Texas

Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.

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(281): Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute. http://tfl.nu/xxsd

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me

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(651): I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me http://tfl.nu/y5sm

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(516): View more from New York

i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD

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(516): i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD http://tfl.nu/cfey

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(314): View more from Missouri

Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night

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(314): Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night http://tfl.nu/67n5

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(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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(254): Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen." http://tfl.nu/2yxx

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(480): View more from Arizona

The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.

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(480): The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee. http://tfl.nu/mp6b

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(315): View more from New York

hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.

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(315): hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time. http://tfl.nu/7nlf

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(310): View more from California

Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.

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(310): Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical. http://tfl.nu/lnv3

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(647): View more from Ontario

Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.

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(647): Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday. http://tfl.nu/6zuu

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(954): View more from Florida

You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.

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(954): You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself. http://tfl.nu/qx75

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(678): View more from Georgia

Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.

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(678): Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store. http://tfl.nu/d1b2

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(516): View more from New York

He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.

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(516): He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something. http://tfl.nu/60sr

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(813): View more from Florida

she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter

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(813): she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter http://tfl.nu/6hrd

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(765): View more from Indiana

We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?

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(765): We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic? http://tfl.nu/pmld

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(773): View more from Illinois

You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.

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(773): You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend. http://tfl.nu/u6sb

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.

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(605): We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone. http://tfl.nu/46r1

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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(715): guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off http://tfl.nu/qflt

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(573): View more from Missouri

the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl

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(573): the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl http://tfl.nu/glhm

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(443): you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life. http://tfl.nu/pccz

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?

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(715): Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet? http://tfl.nu/ptcd

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(801): View more from Utah

On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

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(801): On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box? http://tfl.nu/cd3c

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.

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(402): Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today. http://tfl.nu/vn4s

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(631): View more from New York

these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

(631): View more from New York

i got hit in the ear.

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(631): these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby. (631): i got hit in the ear. http://tfl.nu/qr8z

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(815): View more from Illinois

I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.

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(815): I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk. http://tfl.nu/8nn3

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(615): View more from Tennessee

6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread

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(615): 6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread http://tfl.nu/f1c5

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...

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(403): Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees... http://tfl.nu/cx6b

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.

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(405): I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover. http://tfl.nu/6z33

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.

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(267): I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night. http://tfl.nu/8jcd

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer

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(814): Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer http://tfl.nu/nk2m

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(706): I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon. (1-706): Where the hell are you (706): He's winning. http://tfl.nu/bx2u

Replies (23) Good night (5234) Bad night (701)
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(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

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(707): I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina. (1-707): is that even a sentence? http://tfl.nu/j6fd

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

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(612): You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship. http://tfl.nu/eji2

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(618): View more from Illinois

I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.

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(618): I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera. http://tfl.nu/5ed2

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(928): View more from Arizona

He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.

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(928): He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner. http://tfl.nu/dvnd

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend

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(+61): I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend http://tfl.nu/q4ch

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(503): View more from Oregon

I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.

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(503): I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan. http://tfl.nu/4npq

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(217): View more from Illinois

Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency

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(217): Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency http://tfl.nu/yuks

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(334): View more from Alabama

thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week

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(334): thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week http://tfl.nu/vfml

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

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(304): Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day. http://tfl.nu/phv5

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?

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(732): Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra? http://tfl.nu/estf

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(650): View more from California

I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.

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(650): I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina. http://tfl.nu/1mmo

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(209): View more from California

What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?

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(209): What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons? http://tfl.nu/8u4p

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.

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(860): You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool. http://tfl.nu/a5su

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(957): I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day. http://tfl.nu/42ia

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(615): View more from Tennessee

We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.

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(615): We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers. http://tfl.nu/6a3z

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.

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(202): You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first. http://tfl.nu/24o7

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(815): View more from Illinois

Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.

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(815): Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight. http://tfl.nu/6hnz

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(907): View more from Alaska

I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude

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(907): I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude http://tfl.nu/0pzh

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(573): View more from Missouri

Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina

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(573): Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina http://tfl.nu/35k1

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(719): View more from Colorado

I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.

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(719): I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush. http://tfl.nu/eys0

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

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(780): just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency". http://tfl.nu/5vs5

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(313): View more from Michigan

I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.

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(313): I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6. http://tfl.nu/0yci

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(315): View more from New York

See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday

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(315): See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday http://tfl.nu/kg71

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.

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(570): Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos. http://tfl.nu/kn72

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(434): View more from Virginia

i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.

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(434): i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister. http://tfl.nu/d8xo

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(517): View more from Michigan

at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.

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(517): at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees. http://tfl.nu/qho2

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(360): View more from Washington

Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...

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(360): Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told... http://tfl.nu/tfwr

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(305): View more from Florida

It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children

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(305): It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children http://tfl.nu/y5x1

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(515): View more from Iowa

I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!

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(515): I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME! http://tfl.nu/9v3y

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(810): View more from Michigan

It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

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(810): It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team. http://tfl.nu/1zge

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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(413): It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex. http://tfl.nu/wrcv

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(651): View more from Minnesota

saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.

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(651): saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort. http://tfl.nu/ekj0

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(727): View more from Florida

found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?

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(727): found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain? http://tfl.nu/or8y

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(314): View more from Missouri

Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.

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(314): Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good. http://tfl.nu/kvkg

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(614): View more from Ohio

I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar

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(614): I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar http://tfl.nu/g47h

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(654): View more from

And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.

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(654): And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out. http://tfl.nu/4u7j

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(217): View more from Illinois

I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.

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(217): I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong. http://tfl.nu/7bl9

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck

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(217): I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck http://tfl.nu/cg9j

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza

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(832): Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza http://tfl.nu/lbxf

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....

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(724): Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on.... http://tfl.nu/te8z

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(419): View more from Ohio

its not a party unless mikie exposes himself

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(419): its not a party unless mikie exposes himself http://tfl.nu/ozsv

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(719): View more from Colorado

Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.

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(719): Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet. http://tfl.nu/ctww

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(970): View more from Colorado

Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?

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(970): Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms? http://tfl.nu/dduo

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again

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(201): I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again http://tfl.nu/h58y

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

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(412): It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus." http://tfl.nu/ftkz

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator

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(505): I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator http://tfl.nu/t25w

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(276): View more from Virginia

Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.

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(276): Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco. http://tfl.nu/65bb

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(585): View more from New York

yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.

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(585): yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign. http://tfl.nu/yitg

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(303): View more from Colorado

That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth

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(303): That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth http://tfl.nu/ml2x

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(406): View more from Montana

he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

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(406): he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten http://tfl.nu/sl88

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.

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(612): She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me. http://tfl.nu/y2d7

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears

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(717): It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears http://tfl.nu/xih7

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(281): View more from Texas

and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.

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(281): and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst. http://tfl.nu/n2zz

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(407): View more from Florida

Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off

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(407): Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off http://tfl.nu/jc13

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(214): View more from Texas

he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies

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(214): he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies http://tfl.nu/w2ol

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.

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(816): I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry. http://tfl.nu/d5bh

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.

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(740): I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore. http://tfl.nu/qwh6

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(407): View more from Florida

i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point

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(407): i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point http://tfl.nu/9yf5

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(484): we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard http://tfl.nu/y3gw

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(316): View more from Kansas

Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.

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(316): Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary. http://tfl.nu/cfqj

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(773): View more from Illinois

i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...

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(773): i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is... http://tfl.nu/4q16

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(240): View more from Maryland

and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.

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(240): and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well. http://tfl.nu/nn8d

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(845): View more from New York

I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me

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(845): I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me http://tfl.nu/ucgi

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(307): View more from Wyoming

there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence

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(307): there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence http://tfl.nu/drkc

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(541): View more from Oregon

So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display

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(541): So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display http://tfl.nu/m1ar

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(914): View more from New York

Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME

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(914): Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME http://tfl.nu/u7n7

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(914): View more from New York

Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it

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(914): Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it http://tfl.nu/0jmm

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.

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(202): Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this. http://tfl.nu/0xw5

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(303): View more from Colorado

I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.

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(303): I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van. http://tfl.nu/3fdc

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(920): sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself. http://tfl.nu/ur25

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(319): View more from Iowa

You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there

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(319): You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there http://tfl.nu/a5ka

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college... http://tfl.nu/a15y

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(415): View more from California

i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth

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(415): i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth http://tfl.nu/t0qb

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(520): View more from Arizona

I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.

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(520): I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again. http://tfl.nu/aob4

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.

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(252): I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them. http://tfl.nu/kwke

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(317): View more from Indiana

Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake

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(317): Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake http://tfl.nu/x5vz

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave

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(630): all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave http://tfl.nu/0ff9

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(518): View more from New York

my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks

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(518): my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks http://tfl.nu/8135

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(214): View more from Texas

I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests

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(214): I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests http://tfl.nu/7t18

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(937): View more from Ohio

they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"

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(937): they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America" http://tfl.nu/sewn

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.

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(203): Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina. http://tfl.nu/y3xd

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(907): View more from Alaska

I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.

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(907): I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar. http://tfl.nu/wjyf

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.

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(270): He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture. http://tfl.nu/0w8n

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...

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(+44): i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now... http://tfl.nu/kqc9

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?

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(973): You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later? http://tfl.nu/a1oo

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.

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(262): I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old. http://tfl.nu/6kgo

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.

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(719): I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever. http://tfl.nu/sr0q

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(917): View more from New York City

The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.

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(917): The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof. http://tfl.nu/wunk

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(847): View more from Illinois

Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa

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(847): Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa http://tfl.nu/xcft

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(912): View more from Georgia

just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end

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(912): just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end http://tfl.nu/x0of

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.

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(505): He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way. http://tfl.nu/qq0o

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(818): View more from California

Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

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(818): Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right. http://tfl.nu/8nul

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(510): View more from California

Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?

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(510): Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night? http://tfl.nu/abjo

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.

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(731): I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one. http://tfl.nu/nuy4

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(407): View more from Florida

I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.

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(407): I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor. http://tfl.nu/1ho2

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(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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(513): New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity. http://tfl.nu/ob6h

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .

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(817): I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened . http://tfl.nu/sz0c

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(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

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(631): Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it" http://tfl.nu/tnve

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(805): View more from California

I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.

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(805): I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form. http://tfl.nu/c7k9

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(720): View more from Colorado

Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.

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(720): Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it. http://tfl.nu/chvq

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(815): View more from Illinois

I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.

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(815): I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle. http://tfl.nu/ehxx

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(210): View more from Texas

Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

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(210): Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later..... http://tfl.nu/qwdm

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(310): View more from California

Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.

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(310): Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius. http://tfl.nu/qlyj

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(614): View more from Ohio

It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.

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(614): It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead. http://tfl.nu/yvss

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(203): View more from Connecticut

My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.

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(203): My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression. http://tfl.nu/go1x

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(302): He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice". http://tfl.nu/55zb

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(217): View more from Illinois

Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop

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(217): Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop http://tfl.nu/m1fy

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(734): View more from Michigan

The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.

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(734): The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car. http://tfl.nu/l3cg

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

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(919): i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving. http://tfl.nu/oull

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(443): View more from Maryland

we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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(443): we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice http://tfl.nu/hzcq

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(678): View more from Georgia

Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again

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(678): Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again http://tfl.nu/8daz

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(516): View more from New York

i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it

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(516): i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it http://tfl.nu/hj6c

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(516): View more from New York

my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now

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(516): my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now http://tfl.nu/4n6q

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(940): View more from Texas

I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....

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(940): I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk.... http://tfl.nu/3fzx

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(304): You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up http://tfl.nu/adeo

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(641): View more from Iowa

We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.

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(641): We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard. http://tfl.nu/xmhj

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

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(860): I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent (860): fuckk wrong person (1-860):.. who was that for? a girlscout? http://tfl.nu/6peq

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

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(717): some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on http://tfl.nu/6iv3

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/

(973): View more from New Jersey

Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.

(859): View more from Kentucky

Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?

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(859): I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/ (973): Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room. (859): Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan? http://tfl.nu/hrwu

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(425): Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me (1-425): Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about. http://tfl.nu/mflc

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(908): my sombrero is too big for the bathroom http://tfl.nu/okhq

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(703): View more from Virginia

BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.

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(703): BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP. http://tfl.nu/bqsy

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(925): View more from California

I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.

(916): View more from California

You're drunk. Make complete sentences.

(925): View more from California

It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.

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(925): I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it. (916): You're drunk. Make complete sentences. (925): It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand. http://tfl.nu/78xl

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(319): View more from Iowa

Sponge bath it is.

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(319): Sponge bath it is. http://tfl.nu/r4q1

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(514): View more from Quebec

i'm home, then i'll come over

(1-514): View more from Quebec

ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa

(514): View more from Quebec

nvm.

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(514): i'm home, then i'll come over (1-514): ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa (514): nvm. http://tfl.nu/kqkd

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(310): View more from California

He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.

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(310): He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical. http://tfl.nu/e9fk

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(612): View more from Minnesota

No subtext here. People are naked.

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(612): No subtext here. People are naked. http://tfl.nu/tn4y

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

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(717): You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before. http://tfl.nu/0fke

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(631): View more from New York

do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?

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(631): do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis? http://tfl.nu/tizi

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(989): dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away http://tfl.nu/dlah

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(706): I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song. (1-706): I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina. http://tfl.nu/b2qf

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(512): View more from Texas

And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'

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(512): And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.' http://tfl.nu/l1oz

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(210): View more from Texas

READY

(1-210): View more from Texas

for what?

(210): View more from Texas

TO HAVE SEXXXX

(1-210): View more from Texas

i think you have the wrong number

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(210): READY (1-210) for what? (210) TO HAVE SEXXXX (1-210) i think you have the wrong number http://tfl.nu/x2wa

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(312): View more from Illinois

...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????

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(312): ...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because???? http://tfl.nu/17np

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split

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(401): I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split http://tfl.nu/416l

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(330): View more from Ohio

How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?

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(330): How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle? http://tfl.nu/4cgb

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(914): View more from New York

My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.

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(914): My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off. http://tfl.nu/9ogm

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(646): View more from New York

just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.

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(646): just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice. http://tfl.nu/48r0

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(850): View more from Florida

if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him

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(850): if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him http://tfl.nu/ohx4

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people

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(604): You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people http://tfl.nu/m3p8

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(858): View more from California

Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.

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(858): Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today. http://tfl.nu/g96b

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i should start naming my morning wood

(201): View more from New Jersey

great idea but wrong number

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(910): i should start naming my morning wood (201): great idea but wrong number http://tfl.nu/1p5a

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(520): View more from Arizona

I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.

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(520): I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs. http://tfl.nu/cv5b

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My cat gives me a boner

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(610): My cat gives me a boner http://tfl.nu/df3i

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(330): View more from Ohio

we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it

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(330): we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it http://tfl.nu/pd6c

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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(515): I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that" http://tfl.nu/9edj

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(757): View more from Virginia

I murdered the dance floor call the cops

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(757): I murdered the dance floor call the cops http://tfl.nu/jwsp

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face

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(304): I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face http://tfl.nu/lyd3

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(239): View more from Florida

No I am not eating basil off your cock

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(239): No I am not eating basil off your cock http://tfl.nu/7i1u

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

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(505): I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight. http://tfl.nu/l9kd

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(775): View more from Nevada

Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.

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(775): Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now. http://tfl.nu/j6eo

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar. http://tfl.nu/fw94

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.

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(918): I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation. http://tfl.nu/6ld9

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.

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(407): I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame. http://tfl.nu/841f

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(626): View more from California

One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska

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(626): One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska http://tfl.nu/5za1

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(303): View more from Colorado

She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole

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(303): She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole http://tfl.nu/g6br

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(563): View more from Iowa

For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.

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(563): For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in. http://tfl.nu/kbab

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(970): View more from Colorado

Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty

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(970): Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty http://tfl.nu/gq3b

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(817): View more from Texas

Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"

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(817): Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside" http://tfl.nu/md9m

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?

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(859): How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom? http://tfl.nu/dl3d

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(404): I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE. http://tfl.nu/pyvt

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(970): Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did. http://tfl.nu/3qcv

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(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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(207): I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs. http://tfl.nu/5epb

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(813): View more from Florida

peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week

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(813): peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week http://tfl.nu/lvga

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(847): View more from Illinois

I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.

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(847): I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand. http://tfl.nu/1517

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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(215): I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done. (1-215): I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together. http://tfl.nu/q0m2

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(361): View more from Texas

I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.

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(361): I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off. http://tfl.nu/sc97

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(813): View more from Florida

If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

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(813): If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing. http://tfl.nu/gg1f

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(443): I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck. http://tfl.nu/69rd

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(+79): View more from

Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight

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(+79): Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight http://tfl.nu/p28c

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard

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(612): Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard http://tfl.nu/lrld

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(207): Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building. (603): OMG THAT WAS YOU?! http://tfl.nu/kd7y

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(703): View more from Virginia

just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?

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(703): just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately? http://tfl.nu/eqo5

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.

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(630): I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive. http://tfl.nu/za3k

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(440): View more from Ohio

maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up

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(440): maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up http://tfl.nu/j6pu

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...

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(403): I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass... http://tfl.nu/21fm

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(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.

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(706): So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob. http://tfl.nu/v79f

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..

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(610): question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused.. http://tfl.nu/1zv2

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(818): View more from California

So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?

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(818): So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God? http://tfl.nu/oozc

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(813): View more from Florida

why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!

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(813): why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?! http://tfl.nu/lcio

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(650): View more from California

my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp

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(650): my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp http://tfl.nu/twts

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(210): View more from Texas

he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me

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(210): he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me http://tfl.nu/5qy1

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(770): View more from Georgia

FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot

(770): View more from Georgia

Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.

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(770): FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot (770): Your boyfriend has good rhythm though. http://tfl.nu/p3nu

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(954): View more from Florida

First date: that requires underwear, huh?

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(954): First date: that requires underwear, huh? http://tfl.nu/ogif

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(716): View more from New York

is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?

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(716): is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex? http://tfl.nu/cm27

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.

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(614): I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out. http://tfl.nu/60nc

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation

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(717): this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation http://tfl.nu/knkc

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?

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(508): Why did you put hummus in my pillow case? http://tfl.nu/0gk1

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(256): i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground. (1-256): dude how high are you right now? (256): do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves. http://tfl.nu/7ihc

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(303): I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on http://tfl.nu/bnty

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(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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(973): random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question. http://tfl.nu/ra0q

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(303): View more from Colorado

those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.

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(303): those 9 inches of man changed my life forever. http://tfl.nu/b7ob

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(770): View more from Georgia

it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

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(770): it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there http://tfl.nu/89or

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(216): I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance. http://tfl.nu/bz9b

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(240): View more from Maryland

It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.

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(240): It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me. http://tfl.nu/ei1k

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

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(815): Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan http://tfl.nu/827h

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(515): theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass http://tfl.nu/ckyi

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(732): she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love http://tfl.nu/knwu

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(925): View more from California

She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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(925): She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again. http://tfl.nu/nmj5

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(805): View more from California

He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.

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(805): He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head. http://tfl.nu/up5g

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(206): He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants. http://tfl.nu/v3dq

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done

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(502): so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done http://tfl.nu/tthp

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(740): I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake http://tfl.nu/bl2k

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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(570): i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something http://tfl.nu/ax1a

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(541): View more from Oregon

Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading

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(541): Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading http://tfl.nu/n2uf

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(651): View more from Minnesota

theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it

(651): View more from Minnesota

nevermind its newpaper

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(651): theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it (651): nevermind its newpaper http://tfl.nu/18ms

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(818): View more from California

I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

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(818): I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch. http://tfl.nu/o7me

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(903): View more from Texas

I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"

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(903): I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition" http://tfl.nu/bud7

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(970): View more from Colorado

You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by

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(970): You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by http://tfl.nu/7cd3

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(727): View more from Florida

He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.

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(727): He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass. http://tfl.nu/11ss

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(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

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(510): I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number. (1-510): It was probably Jesus. (510): I feel like he would have left a message. http://tfl.nu/w24x

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(732): View more from New Jersey

used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick

(732): View more from New Jersey

i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.

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(732): used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick (732): i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore. http://tfl.nu/4czg

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(757): View more from Virginia

Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.

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(757): Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you. http://tfl.nu/fb35

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.

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(607): Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later. http://tfl.nu/om4f

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(612): Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls (763): is that a poem?! http://tfl.nu/h29o

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(905): View more from Toronto

i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight

(1-905): View more from Toronto

i totally said that

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(905): i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight (1-905): i totally said that http://tfl.nu/40bc

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(219): View more from Indiana

my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus

(317): View more from Indiana

and who said we didn't have goals?

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(219): my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus (317): and who said we didn't have goals? http://tfl.nu/piod

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(760): View more from California

Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.

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(760): Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin. http://tfl.nu/jqr4

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(970): View more from Colorado

You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.

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(970): You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip. http://tfl.nu/rzap

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(212): View more from New York

True but thats because hes a fetus.

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(212) True but thats because hes a fetus. http://tfl.nu/yw68

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(631): View more from New York

I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?

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(631): I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful? http://tfl.nu/fnv5

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(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.

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(770): Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock. http://tfl.nu/ip50

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(530): View more from California

I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.

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(530): I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons. http://tfl.nu/pcjk

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(217): View more from Illinois

I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...

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(217): I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs... http://tfl.nu/dm06

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(586): View more from Michigan

I wish my penis had an off switch

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(586): I wish my penis had an off switch http://tfl.nu/bdrc

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(607): Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave. http://tfl.nu/8ei2

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(504): View more from Louisiana

We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.

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(504): We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that. http://tfl.nu/afy4

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(904): View more from Florida

He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.

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(904): He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college. http://tfl.nu/3hcf

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(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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(647): Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts. http://tfl.nu/g67r

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.

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(724): You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night. http://tfl.nu/vcog

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(215): Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing. http://tfl.nu/dzgt

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.

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(603): He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was. http://tfl.nu/3v3c

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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(570): you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her http://tfl.nu/jaz5

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(386): View more from Florida

That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.

(954): View more from Florida

Apparently hers is a theme park.

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(386): That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground. (954): Apparently hers is a theme park. http://tfl.nu/yoy4

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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(336): you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them http://tfl.nu/fxdr

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...

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(412): And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas... http://tfl.nu/n2co

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(516): View more from New York

I understand why you refuse to be sober now

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(516): I understand why you refuse to be sober now http://tfl.nu/j30b

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

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(770): I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high. http://tfl.nu/dl85

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(518): View more from New York

I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

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(518): I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room. http://tfl.nu/qe4u

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(818): View more from California

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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(818): I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever. http://tfl.nu/1b0y

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(517): this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year http://tfl.nu/tikr

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(847): View more from Illinois

Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess

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(847): Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess http://tfl.nu/s4vr

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(951): So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked. http://tfl.nu/qprr

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(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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(845): We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously? (1-845): Who won mens moguls? (845): That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude. http://tfl.nu/8mik

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(214): View more from Texas

So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.

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(214): So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college. http://tfl.nu/20dw

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(757): View more from Virginia

apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick

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(757): apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick http://tfl.nu/awtp

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(519): View more from Ontario

and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.

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(519): and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover. http://tfl.nu/uo1b

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

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(401): She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough. http://tfl.nu/js6s

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(847): i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen. http://tfl.nu/1m72

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(516): View more from New York

He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue

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(516): He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue http://tfl.nu/ydk6

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(803): View more from South Carolina

and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old

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(803): and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old http://tfl.nu/y7b8

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(406): View more from Montana

he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.

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(406): he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me. http://tfl.nu/3m0w

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(770): my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad http://tfl.nu/o7wi

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(250): View more from British Columbia

tequila makes me forget i have legs

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(250): tequila makes me forget i have legs http://tfl.nu/9rzk

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(251): View more from Alabama

As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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(251): As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you. http://tfl.nu/zyub

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(207): View more from Maine

her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did

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(207): her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did http://tfl.nu/hfoj

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(860): you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance. http://tfl.nu/1cpz

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(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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(718): Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober. http://tfl.nu/eick

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(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

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(816): we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring http://tfl.nu/1aqf

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(469): View more from Texas

Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life

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(469): Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life http://tfl.nu/9mja

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(405): Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me http://tfl.nu/44om

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(408): View more from California

You make shower sex sound like waterboarding

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(408): You make shower sex sound like waterboarding http://tfl.nu/cy83

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...

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(250): Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls... http://tfl.nu/1wve

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(816): View more from Missouri

we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

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(816): we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome http://tfl.nu/vmah

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(614): yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world. (1-614): and what did he say? (614): there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning. http://tfl.nu/xi47

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(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

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(478): So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking (404): how did that work out? (478): Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder... http://tfl.nu/o1yp

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

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(321): Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds... http://tfl.nu/1h6m

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter

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(508): I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter http://tfl.nu/gfmg

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you

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(617): I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you http://tfl.nu/p9k4

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends

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(732): i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends http://tfl.nu/aaz6

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(425): Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me. http://tfl.nu/edgt

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(517): View more from Michigan

the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.

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(517): the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into. http://tfl.nu/bckk

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(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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(813): We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again. http://tfl.nu/6j6o

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(309): View more from Illinois

I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

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(309): I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time (1-309): I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating http://tfl.nu/74eg

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(312): View more from Illinois

Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.

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(312): Text. Mid BJ. 8 points. http://tfl.nu/1rgb

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(202): He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!" http://tfl.nu/yfbj

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(443): View more from Maryland

Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon

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(443): Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon http://tfl.nu/pfsh

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng

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(217): View more from Illinois

What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

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(217): What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up http://tfl.nu/ae7w

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(718): View more from New York

you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.

(917): View more from New York City

i told you we never speak of that again

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(718): you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something. (917): i told you we never speak of that again http://tfl.nu/ijex

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(616): View more from Michigan

sometimes you have to go after what you want

(313): View more from Michigan

true. and i really want to cum

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(616): sometimes you have to go after what you want (313): true. and i really want to cum http://tfl.nu/14gc

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.

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(978): He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore. http://tfl.nu/4chi

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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(267): I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does. http://tfl.nu/0qfz

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(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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(727): Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore" http://tfl.nu/cs3y

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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(828): I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke." http://tfl.nu/rseq

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(909): View more from California

don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

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(909): don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me. http://tfl.nu/8txy

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

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(443): i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007 http://tfl.nu/tyl3

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

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(615): Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span. http://tfl.nu/rd54

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(503): View more from Oregon

it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.

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(503): it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers. http://tfl.nu/k78j

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(330): View more from Ohio

and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

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(330): and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!" http://tfl.nu/62xo

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(405): Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon. http://tfl.nu/zm69

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(847): View more from Illinois

The panties match.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I'll be right there.

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(847): The panties match. (1-847): I'll be right there. http://tfl.nu/jbhz

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Yea well when i pee it makes steam.

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(901): Yea well when i pee it makes steam. http://tfl.nu/1t52

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs

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(330): View more from Ohio

Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone

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(330): Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone http://tfl.nu/esjp

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it

(973): View more from New Jersey

just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you

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(203): my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it (973): just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you http://tfl.nu/4uwz

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(407): View more from Florida

I think I have a pornographic memory.

(954): View more from Florida

Don't you mean photographic?

(407): View more from Florida

No.

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(407): I think I have a pornographic memory. (954): Don't you mean photographic? (407): No. http://tfl.nu/ii2n

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(818): View more from California

actually, I'm a sock model

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(818): actually, I'm a sock model http://tfl.nu/9w4s

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(619): View more from California

went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.

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(619): went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation. http://tfl.nu/zdno

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(805): View more from California

who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->

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(805): who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big --> http://tfl.nu/8d2r

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(773): Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat. http://tfl.nu/qnu6

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

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(651): Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying. (571): define virginity. http://tfl.nu/5by8

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(914): View more from New York

when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"

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(914): when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing" http://tfl.nu/damz

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(713): View more from Texas

Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.

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(713): Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake. http://tfl.nu/b27h

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i love accidental penises.

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(414): i love accidental penises. http://tfl.nu/xi6f

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?

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(401): This isn't the rejection hotline, is it? http://tfl.nu/jrbs

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(201): i have to get rid of the hedgehog. (765): Does it come with a cage? (201): yes. and food and toys. (765): i'll trade you an 8th for it (201): deal. http://tfl.nu/2d4g

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(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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(760): when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice. http://tfl.nu/5xpe

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(310): View more from California

she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex

(1-310): View more from California

wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh

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(310): she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex (1-310): wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh http://tfl.nu/mhlr

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(815): there was naked duck duck goose (703): how does that even get suggested?! (815): after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal http://tfl.nu/ykdy

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(310): View more from California

so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

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(310): so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out. http://tfl.nu/anew

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.

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(870): Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds. http://tfl.nu/xv3v

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(252): View more from North Carolina

its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get

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(252): its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get http://tfl.nu/sb3f

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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(306): No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes. http://tfl.nu/ocj3

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???

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(407): I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms??? http://tfl.nu/7lb6

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(210): View more from Texas

Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points

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(210): Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points http://tfl.nu/hnze

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.

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(405): Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great. http://tfl.nu/oipw

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would be honored to be that friend.

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(978): I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people (617): I would be honored to be that friend. http://tfl.nu/ohrl

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.

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(201): You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn. http://tfl.nu/vn8h

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(404): View more from Georgia

He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.

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(404): He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina. http://tfl.nu/81m1

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

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(503): Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were http://tfl.nu/3ofv

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(951): So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito. (909): dude... how have they not drug tested you yet? http://tfl.nu/fx38

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(785): View more from Kansas

This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday

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(785): This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday http://tfl.nu/tvj7

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.

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(920): I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on. http://tfl.nu/vax8

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way" http://tfl.nu/86gt

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(806): View more from Texas

How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.

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(806): How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking. http://tfl.nu/9w1c

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.

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(479): I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter. http://tfl.nu/4ovg

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(213): View more from California

I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.

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(213): I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg. http://tfl.nu/mbc8

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(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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(816): I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding. http://tfl.nu/1j8r

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(216): View more from Ohio

Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?

(1-216): View more from Ohio

Lol no its called college

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(216): Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER? (1-216): Lol no its called college http://tfl.nu/1cpq

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(213): View more from California

i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.

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(213): i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now. http://tfl.nu/744a

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(469): View more from Texas

Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.

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(469): Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way. http://tfl.nu/w8yo

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(716): she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you" http://tfl.nu/sv8k

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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(763): The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet. http://tfl.nu/fwq9

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(732): hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again http://tfl.nu/ne0q

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(831): she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went? http://tfl.nu/99g1

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(416): View more from Toronto

I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.

(905): View more from Ontario

Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.

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(416): I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny. (905): Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night. http://tfl.nu/j8pa

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(203): View more from Connecticut

all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby

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(203): all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby http://tfl.nu/jjj6

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(303): View more from Colorado

theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...

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(303): theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner... http://tfl.nu/glgi

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(706): View more from Georgia

I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.

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(706): I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life. http://tfl.nu/uth4

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(337): All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!" http://tfl.nu/qrwa

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

I'll google it

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(908): You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time (1-908): I'll google it http://tfl.nu/bsan

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(914): View more from New York

I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.

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(914): I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here. http://tfl.nu/s43y

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(720): View more from Colorado

I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls

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(720): I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls http://tfl.nu/uqfq

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

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(757): Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore. http://tfl.nu/pqxc

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(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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(217): The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool. http://tfl.nu/4pl2

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(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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(310): It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations http://tfl.nu/cpf7

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(970): View more from Colorado

Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.

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(970): Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid. http://tfl.nu/9pof

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(217): View more from Illinois

I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.

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(217): I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex. http://tfl.nu/8evv

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(516): View more from New York

i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".

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(516): i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed". http://tfl.nu/0nax

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(281): Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's. http://tfl.nu/ot6m

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(484): Ask politely. (610): Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you? (484): Thats good enough. http://tfl.nu/nxir

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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(832): Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank. http://tfl.nu/gxu8

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(540): View more from Virginia

all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

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(540): all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes http://tfl.nu/yixn

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(615): View more from Tennessee

is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?

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(615): is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....? http://tfl.nu/4au4

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

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(803): It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina. http://tfl.nu/hg6l

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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(978): I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism. http://tfl.nu/fmul

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(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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(207): Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/f26o

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(716): View more from New York

I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

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(716): I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas. http://tfl.nu/cqgv

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(417): View more from Missouri

I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

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(417): I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me. http://tfl.nu/vc9f

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(712): View more from Iowa

I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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(712): I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night http://tfl.nu/v3fw

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.

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(262): Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta. http://tfl.nu/1aj3

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.

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(336): Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex. http://tfl.nu/1j3r

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(401): His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old http://tfl.nu/b9xq

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(330): would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles. http://tfl.nu/usa7

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

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(773): I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics http://tfl.nu/o0a3

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(816): She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit? http://tfl.nu/kt2r

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(954): View more from Florida

You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.

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(954): You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks. http://tfl.nu/e9kk

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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(605): I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF? http://tfl.nu/tx7k

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(419): View more from Ohio

if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight

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(419): if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight http://tfl.nu/1a1e

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined (714): he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day http://tfl.nu/76ot

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck now we have to have sex

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

What?

(203): View more from Connecticut

In a bet, need to win

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(203): Fuck now we have to have sex (1-203): What? (203): In a bet, need to win http://tfl.nu/ejzn

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(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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(515): So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry. http://tfl.nu/0btw

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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(304): I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk. http://tfl.nu/30xs

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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(732): Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar http://tfl.nu/9kou

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys

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(570): I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys http://tfl.nu/u1dh

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap

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(905): View more from Ontario

oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...

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(905): oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"... http://tfl.nu/xa6k

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(540): View more from Virginia

Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations

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(540): Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations http://tfl.nu/sqlo

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(630): We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds http://tfl.nu/p9wa

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(419): View more from Ohio

We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball

(419): View more from Ohio

And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity

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(419): We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball (419): And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity http://tfl.nu/7q0o

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(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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(760): Why is your vibrator in the fridge? (1-760): I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there. http://tfl.nu/7etk

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?

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(608): Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother? http://tfl.nu/8hut

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.

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(205): I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom. http://tfl.nu/673j

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(843): View more from South Carolina

it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see

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(843): it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see http://tfl.nu/5bmk

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(609): i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky (267): like hot dogs and buns. http://tfl.nu/crsi

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."

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(+44): All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis." http://tfl.nu/rkkz

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.

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(973): I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation. http://tfl.nu/5xqx

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

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(610): all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville. http://tfl.nu/k1x4

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(806): View more from Texas

Two words Indian burn...

(1-806): View more from Texas

What did she think it was, a shake weight?

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(806): Two words Indian burn... (1-806): What did she think it was, a shake weight? http://tfl.nu/39re

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(443): View more from Maryland

repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.

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(443): repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. http://tfl.nu/ux00

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(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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(740): you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god http://tfl.nu/byer

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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(615): I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us. http://tfl.nu/3t30

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(410): View more from Maryland

I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.

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(410): I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube. (1-410): I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds. http://tfl.nu/szhm

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me

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(215): I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me http://tfl.nu/08l6

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(423): I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich. (1-423): I honestly don't know what to make of that. (423): A ham sandwich would be nice. http://tfl.nu/fg3s

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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(603): my cup is half full, half full of rum. http://tfl.nu/ajky

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(916): my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out. http://tfl.nu/f1nl

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(239): View more from Florida

I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.

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(239): I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night. http://tfl.nu/hh8b

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(516): View more from New York

we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

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(516): we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan http://tfl.nu/uipi

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty

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(860): Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty http://tfl.nu/6xch

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(813): right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming. (1-813): only on the fourth of july. http://tfl.nu/s13z

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(815): View more from Illinois

you thought your balls were fighting each other...

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(815): you thought your balls were fighting each other... http://tfl.nu/ci9x

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(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

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(815): Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites. http://tfl.nu/zd6b

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.

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(734): I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again. http://tfl.nu/x69l

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(317): View more from Indiana

i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex

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(317): i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex http://tfl.nu/eh60

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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(917): I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help http://tfl.nu/ynln

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(951): View more from California

My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now

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(951): My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now http://tfl.nu/leuk

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(707): View more from California

why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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(707): why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas? http://tfl.nu/mq53

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

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(709): ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome. http://tfl.nu/2x6n

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.

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(604): Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be. http://tfl.nu/j7k8

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

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(617): everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills http://tfl.nu/tub1

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

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(865): Actions speak louder than pants. http://tfl.nu/3ga3

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(302): View more from Delaware

then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.

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(302): then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack. http://tfl.nu/fci7

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(936): View more from Texas

She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.

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(936): She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while. http://tfl.nu/5c77

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger

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(717): He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger http://tfl.nu/u6xr

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(804): The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in. http://tfl.nu/awzl

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(503): One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party. (503): By 8 I mean 9. (503): And by 9 I mean 10. http://tfl.nu/vux8

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(248): View more from Michigan

They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"

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(248): They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick" http://tfl.nu/5fi0

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?

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(610): I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for? http://tfl.nu/9amw

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass

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(617): There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass http://tfl.nu/vj6i

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(469): View more from Texas

Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.

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(469): Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me. http://tfl.nu/jccz

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(404): View more from Georgia

just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING

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(404): just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING http://tfl.nu/vg2h

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you will always have a special place in my vag

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(828): you will always have a special place in my vag http://tfl.nu/evl8

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(914): View more from New York

When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...

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(914): When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking... http://tfl.nu/3yo6

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Is he smart?

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.

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(952): Is he smart? (1-952): Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half. http://tfl.nu/hxnn

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(913): I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady." http://tfl.nu/ftym

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(303): im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared. (1-303): that was a mass text, wasnt it? http://tfl.nu/9i1u

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(937): He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst? http://tfl.nu/5xe1

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(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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(515): On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it. http://tfl.nu/mvhu

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

(732): View more from New Jersey

no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

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(908): there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time (732): no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution. http://tfl.nu/6mq6

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

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(405): just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv (1-405): we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina http://tfl.nu/dapc

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(757): View more from Virginia

And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."

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(757): And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate." http://tfl.nu/e62b

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(425): View more from Washington

couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school

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(425): couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school http://tfl.nu/94oh

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(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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(352): I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way. http://tfl.nu/qonl

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(819): View more from Quebec

FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.

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(819): FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party. http://tfl.nu/3wga

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(518): View more from New York

i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting

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(518): i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting http://tfl.nu/x71w

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(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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(360): Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?" http://tfl.nu/c0v9

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other

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(306): They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle (1-306): Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other http://tfl.nu/7xcc

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude

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(630): I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude http://tfl.nu/ede0

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..

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(952): Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day.. http://tfl.nu/4gef

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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(609): i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt http://tfl.nu/t4r8

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(860): Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal http://tfl.nu/x7fc

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.

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(304): I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn. http://tfl.nu/xmj5

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars

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(614): Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars http://tfl.nu/pbzi

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(905): View more from Ontario

My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.

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(905): My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed. http://tfl.nu/zkjg

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(424): View more from California

I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.

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(424): I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing. http://tfl.nu/4boy

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(516): View more from New York

And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.

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(516): And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this. http://tfl.nu/g7ey

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.

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(973): Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick. http://tfl.nu/r63g

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...

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(203): There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door... http://tfl.nu/wacl

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(315): View more from New York

we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.

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(315): we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks. http://tfl.nu/7ex7

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(661): His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger http://tfl.nu/nen0

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.

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(401): I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family. http://tfl.nu/wak4

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(717): how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way (1-717): you don't. http://tfl.nu/p0es

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

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(401): You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you. http://tfl.nu/6q4j

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(214): View more from Texas

I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.

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(214): I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me. http://tfl.nu/aut7

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(360): nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked http://tfl.nu/nh0r

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(905): View more from Toronto

Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.

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(905): Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee. http://tfl.nu/8vei

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.

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(215): winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am. http://tfl.nu/p45r

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(513): View more from Ohio

I hate bills.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Like ones you have to pay or people named William?

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(513): I hate bills. (479): Like ones you have to pay or people named William? http://tfl.nu/wp4z

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(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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(203): walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something? http://tfl.nu/j190

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(719): View more from Colorado

just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?

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(719): just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am? http://tfl.nu/1xol

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.

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(732): I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame. http://tfl.nu/b4iy

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(650): View more from California

Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.

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(650): Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap. http://tfl.nu/3ryi

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day

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(732): My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day http://tfl.nu/6zjk

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(571): View more from Virginia

I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.

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(571): I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub. http://tfl.nu/fw5s

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(303): View more from Colorado

Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.

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(303): Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart. http://tfl.nu/j609

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(816): View more from Missouri

I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants

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(816): I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants http://tfl.nu/4wl5

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(586): View more from Michigan

their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

and what kinds of feelings would these be?

(586): View more from Michigan

Happy, horny, occasionally hungry

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(586): their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig? (1-586): and what kinds of feelings would these be? (586): Happy, horny, occasionally hungry http://tfl.nu/z6jk

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(706): View more from Georgia

Her name starts with A and ends with whore.

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(706): Her name starts with A and ends with whore. http://tfl.nu/o8d5

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.

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(724): Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions. http://tfl.nu/lnut

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(208): View more from Idaho

this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...

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(208): this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer... http://tfl.nu/pqdq

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(208): View more from Idaho

Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.

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(208): Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes. http://tfl.nu/oxm0

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(208): View more from Idaho

Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl

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(208): Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl http://tfl.nu/2pl6

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(208): My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat. http://tfl.nu/4rv6

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(208): View more from Idaho

On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

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(208): On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you? http://tfl.nu/5voi

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g

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(504): View more from Louisiana

she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?

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(504): she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud? http://tfl.nu/6q2n

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(404): View more from Georgia

Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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(404): Are you still at the party or did I leave? http://tfl.nu/pph4

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(303): View more from Colorado

I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.

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(303): I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all. http://tfl.nu/c3dm

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(408): View more from California

How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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(408): How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...? http://tfl.nu/cucy

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(773): View more from Illinois

apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

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(773): apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened. http://tfl.nu/hpbr

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(862): View more from New Jersey

forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious

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(862): forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious http://tfl.nu/eea3

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

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(864): I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was. http://tfl.nu/wo9k

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes

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(203): i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes http://tfl.nu/2sgp

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(801): View more from Utah

She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.

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(801): She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex. http://tfl.nu/3ix3

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(310): View more from California

Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.

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(310): Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though. http://tfl.nu/8195

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.

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(732): i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is. http://tfl.nu/s7zh

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(+32): View more from Belgium

We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.

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(+32): We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers. http://tfl.nu/61q6

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof

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(913): Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof http://tfl.nu/58vn

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(315): View more from New York

Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.

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(315): Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise. http://tfl.nu/jq04

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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(401): Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile. http://tfl.nu/y928

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(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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(301): did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right. http://tfl.nu/lg5g

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(305): I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me. http://tfl.nu/06ls

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team

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(978): i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team http://tfl.nu/fnfy

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.

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(480): I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop. http://tfl.nu/wrzz

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(317): View more from Indiana

if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

(317): View more from Indiana

all hypothetical of course

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(317): if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all? (317): all hypothetical of course http://tfl.nu/v0tg

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(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(858): It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain. http://tfl.nu/y8ei

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.

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(502): I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap. http://tfl.nu/9a2a

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(941): View more from Florida

She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

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(941): She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina??? http://tfl.nu/hnyt

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(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

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(763): there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread. http://tfl.nu/qy40

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(612): View more from Minnesota

What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

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(612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home? http://tfl.nu/fztn

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs. (1-404): Two? (404): Two. http://tfl.nu/opzf

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.

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(403): Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it. http://tfl.nu/0g8l

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(716): View more from New York

I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina

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(716): I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina http://tfl.nu/hz6e

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(816): So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant... (1-816): Yeeah thank god (816): Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million. http://tfl.nu/pevw

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z

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(928): View more from Arizona

she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.

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(928): she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college. http://tfl.nu/99x7

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(678): View more from Georgia

I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.

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(678): I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present. http://tfl.nu/aj43

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(510): View more from California

well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it

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(510): well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it http://tfl.nu/l3dc

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(661): aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet (623): And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs (661): Exactly. http://tfl.nu/5o7t

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(251): View more from Alabama

He managed to light the Jello on fire...

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(251): He managed to light the Jello on fire... http://tfl.nu/tu7i

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(805): View more from California

we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home

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(805): we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home http://tfl.nu/wods

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.

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(985): I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now. http://tfl.nu/zv6d

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face. http://tfl.nu/bthr

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(214): View more from Texas

you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.

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(214): you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night. http://tfl.nu/kc82

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?

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(910): So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal? http://tfl.nu/acjy

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...

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(231): I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name... http://tfl.nu/p31n

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(732): No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day. http://tfl.nu/5atz

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(210): View more from Texas

Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight

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(210): Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight http://tfl.nu/kopz

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(218): Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it. http://tfl.nu/dm7u

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(330): View more from Ohio

Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls

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(330): Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls http://tfl.nu/m4sw

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(765): View more from Indiana

Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?

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(765): Did we both pass out talking about cake last night? http://tfl.nu/lgnr

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(702): View more from Nevada

it was like having sex with a tree stump

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(702): it was like having sex with a tree stump http://tfl.nu/4ao5

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

It usually does with you

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(717): Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit (1-717): It usually does with you http://tfl.nu/9ly0

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(913): View more from Kansas

We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.

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(913): We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer. http://tfl.nu/ud7u

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(317): View more from Indiana

The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad

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(317): The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad http://tfl.nu/cny5

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(856): View more from New Jersey

she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.

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(856): she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name. http://tfl.nu/fuep

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(901): View more from Tennessee

as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"

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(901): as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air" http://tfl.nu/6w47

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(410): View more from Maryland

There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

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(410): There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to. http://tfl.nu/sxdr

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(515): in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch. http://tfl.nu/88o7

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

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(321): she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much. http://tfl.nu/ucje

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(949): View more from California

When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'

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(949): When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger' http://tfl.nu/z4iq

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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(832): you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would. http://tfl.nu/dwd2

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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(724): She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring. http://tfl.nu/wizw

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(519): View more from Ontario

we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"

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(519): we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault" http://tfl.nu/rtah

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(503): View more from Oregon

iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

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(503): iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane. http://tfl.nu/zl9e

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is

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(662): I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is http://tfl.nu/ce5u

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina

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(832): it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina http://tfl.nu/a6qo

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(516): View more from New York

my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper

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(516): my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper http://tfl.nu/iwmr

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(315): She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this... http://tfl.nu/h8y9

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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(724): she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it" http://tfl.nu/sq67

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.

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(484): I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/prts

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.

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(248): Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam. http://tfl.nu/6oxt

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(205): View more from Alabama

Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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(205): Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high. http://tfl.nu/wyb4

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(289): View more from Ontario

It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.

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(289): It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack. http://tfl.nu/6xg5

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasted some perfectly good semen on her

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(814): I wasted some perfectly good semen on her http://tfl.nu/b11w

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.

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(708): Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud. http://tfl.nu/swnn

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision

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(908): i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision http://tfl.nu/741x

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(225): I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign? http://tfl.nu/j7ur

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(985): when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this" http://tfl.nu/g0yg

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

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(201): Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is. http://tfl.nu/gvpy

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

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(773): Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name. http://tfl.nu/27vq

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(678): View more from Georgia

SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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(678): SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her http://tfl.nu/v70p

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(207): View more from Maine

Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.

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(207): Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend. http://tfl.nu/fufl

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl

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(315): View more from New York

He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

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(315): He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again. http://tfl.nu/0egr

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(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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(305): Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high. http://tfl.nu/4ptt

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(205): I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face. http://tfl.nu/ce47

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?

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(443): i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed? http://tfl.nu/sqdz

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(858): View more from California

threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter

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(858): threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter http://tfl.nu/n5bo

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(641): View more from Iowa

i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that

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(641): i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that http://tfl.nu/t0hz

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(678): View more from Georgia

I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.

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(678): I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom. http://tfl.nu/95nr

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(210): View more from Texas

i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

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(210): i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation http://tfl.nu/369m

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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(612): Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife? http://tfl.nu/rjpj

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(334): View more from Alabama

she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.

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(334): she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/rmvr

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(770): View more from Georgia

I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.

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(770): I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later. http://tfl.nu/dwy3

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(770): View more from Georgia

His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

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(770): His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution. http://tfl.nu/sbqf

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(303): View more from Colorado

New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.

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(303): New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar. http://tfl.nu/vp4p

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(435): View more from Utah

She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

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(435): She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life. http://tfl.nu/8hnp

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(413): my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out http://tfl.nu/0mnv

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(662): View more from Mississippi

"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.

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(662): "I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again. http://tfl.nu/9nn9

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(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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(904): We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple http://tfl.nu/4e1c

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(410): View more from Maryland

Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together

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(410): Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together http://tfl.nu/isyr

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.

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(832): I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover. http://tfl.nu/1njk

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(913): View more from Kansas

the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job

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(913): the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job http://tfl.nu/faar

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."

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(724): the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year." http://tfl.nu/oy1q

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(512): View more from Texas

Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?

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(512): Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You? http://tfl.nu/i2et

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(330): View more from Ohio

Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".

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(330): Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay". http://tfl.nu/1f7s

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(742): View more from

What happened last night?

(1-742): View more from

You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.

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(742): What happened last night? (1-742): You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth. http://tfl.nu/koqa

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(201): View more from New Jersey

and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.

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(201): and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate. http://tfl.nu/09wt

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(304): View more from West Virginia

remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?

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(304): remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night? http://tfl.nu/z8ke

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(910): Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut. http://tfl.nu/hcrb

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle

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(860): i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle http://tfl.nu/gxwa

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(901): i think i left my bra at your place (1-901): It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there. http://tfl.nu/dg7a

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.

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(814): Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder. http://tfl.nu/vt5f

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(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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(323): No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too. http://tfl.nu/d0fo

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(970): View more from Colorado

Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"

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(970): Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet" http://tfl.nu/xuid

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(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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(443): just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?! http://tfl.nu/h1we

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(503): View more from Oregon

Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.

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(503): Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress. http://tfl.nu/96cb

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(703): View more from Virginia

Can i come over

(240): View more from Maryland

After you called me a desperate slut? No

(240): View more from Maryland

Come over

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(703): Can i come over (240): After you called me a desperate slut? No (240): Come over http://tfl.nu/g0q3

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(240): View more from Maryland

Thanks for last night it was amazing as always

(703): View more from Virginia

What are you talking about

(240): View more from Maryland

You've got to be kidding me

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(240): Thanks for last night it was amazing as always (703): What are you talking about (240): You've got to be kidding me http://tfl.nu/zj8e

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore

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(248): Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore http://tfl.nu/16rg

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(646): View more from New York

your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today

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(646): your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today http://tfl.nu/czz0

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(207): View more from Maine

so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.

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(207): so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out. http://tfl.nu/wz4e

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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(732): Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out http://tfl.nu/au0t

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(913): View more from Kansas

Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What?!

(913): View more from Kansas

Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!

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(913): Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom... (1-913): What?! (913): Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!! http://tfl.nu/4m0s

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(864): View more from South Carolina

he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.

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(864): he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs. http://tfl.nu/m2cw

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(908): View more from New Jersey

don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."

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(908): don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..." http://tfl.nu/9x9f

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.

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(717): Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk. http://tfl.nu/z5dl

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(310): View more from California

It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...

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(310): It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass... http://tfl.nu/egbe

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(847): View more from Illinois

Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test

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(847): Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test http://tfl.nu/tst5

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(678): View more from Georgia

did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband

(404): View more from Georgia

did it work?

(678): View more from Georgia

nope

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(678): did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband (404): did it work? (678): nope http://tfl.nu/53k6

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(818): View more from California

Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off

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(818): Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off http://tfl.nu/wsi1

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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(267): we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself. (215): did he notice? (267): of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up.. http://tfl.nu/7kng

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(917): View more from New York City

hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father

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(917): hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father http://tfl.nu/ngdo

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees

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(724): If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees http://tfl.nu/kant

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(248): View more from Michigan

Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.

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(248): Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God. http://tfl.nu/n9ll

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(559): View more from California

I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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(559): I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day? http://tfl.nu/b9nt

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(513): View more from Ohio

Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word

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(513): Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word http://tfl.nu/dxvq

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.

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(203): Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes. http://tfl.nu/d0yb

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(805): View more from California

NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??

(805): View more from California

He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You should probably go find him.

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(805): NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be?? (805): He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is. (814): You should probably go find him. http://tfl.nu/673m

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(440): View more from Ohio

thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?

(216): View more from Ohio

... about that ...

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(440): thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok? (216): ... about that ... http://tfl.nu/8foz

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear

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(978): on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear http://tfl.nu/5oby

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.

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(630): Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best. http://tfl.nu/ljti

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009

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(541): I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009 http://tfl.nu/ne91

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.

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(832): I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week. http://tfl.nu/ubxf

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(219): View more from Indiana

Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.

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(219): Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal. http://tfl.nu/m4sr

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(423): View more from Tennessee

How'd it feel making her break her religion?

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(423): How'd it feel making her break her religion? http://tfl.nu/mxtg

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(925): DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR http://tfl.nu/ynfk

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(224): View more from Illinois

his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.

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(224): his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this. http://tfl.nu/41n8

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

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(617): His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava http://tfl.nu/q9zi

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!

(864): View more from South Carolina

Because men are children

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Touche

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(832): Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child! (864): Because men are children (832): Touche http://tfl.nu/qtuf

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

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(860): You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met. http://tfl.nu/wpe7

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(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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(201): why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall http://tfl.nu/krc7

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(813): View more from Florida

i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.

(212): View more from New York

i hate you

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(813): i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you. (212): i hate you http://tfl.nu/mlwn

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(334): View more from Alabama

Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.

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(334): Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me. http://tfl.nu/y7m9

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.

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(615): Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok. http://tfl.nu/sac8

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide

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(513): Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide http://tfl.nu/gj7h

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass

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(215): I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass http://tfl.nu/6mwp

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(305): View more from Florida

Goddamnit I hate your level headedness

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(305): Goddamnit I hate your level headedness http://tfl.nu/nlec

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(607): View more from New York

The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.

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(607): The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you. http://tfl.nu/2p1b

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(224): View more from Illinois

She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.

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(224): She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand. http://tfl.nu/cnkx

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".

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(201): My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince". http://tfl.nu/a6t0

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(206): View more from Washington

i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.

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(206): i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to. http://tfl.nu/oxy7

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(520): View more from Arizona

im six kinds of drunk right now

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(520): im six kinds of drunk right now http://tfl.nu/4cbw

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(850): View more from Florida

So are we goin out tonight?

(315): View more from New York

Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...

(850): View more from Florida

And that was fun, wasn't it?

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(850): So are we goin out tonight? (315): Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night... (850): And that was fun, wasn't it? http://tfl.nu/s8z3

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(440): View more from Ohio

Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.

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(440): Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved. http://tfl.nu/6524

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(203): View more from Connecticut

after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.

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(203): after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet. (1-203): your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd. http://tfl.nu/5pti

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(562): If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up http://tfl.nu/jdv3

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome

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(402): I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome http://tfl.nu/kwzn

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(801): View more from Utah

I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?

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(801): I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes? http://tfl.nu/05g8

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.

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(505): Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw. http://tfl.nu/cwfe

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(260): I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/i41h

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.

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(617): After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left. http://tfl.nu/2zbc

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(716): View more from New York

right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable

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(716): right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable http://tfl.nu/dvma

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(727): View more from Florida

He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...

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(727): He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going... http://tfl.nu/31sf

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(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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(250): woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" . http://tfl.nu/721o

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(618): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

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(618): i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer http://tfl.nu/zm3w

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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(503): do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out? http://tfl.nu/q9ps

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Wait until you see the roof.

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(978): Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help. (1-978): Wait until you see the roof. http://tfl.nu/itso

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(812): View more from Indiana

I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.

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(812): I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is. http://tfl.nu/2rnr

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(248): View more from Michigan

Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!

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(248): Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks! http://tfl.nu/xdy8

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya

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(507): I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya http://tfl.nu/oizi

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(917): View more from New York City

WISH UPON A TAMPON

(718): View more from New York

They constantly get farther than me.

(718): View more from New York

tampons.

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(917): WISH UPON A TAMPON (718): They constantly get farther than me. (718): tampons. http://tfl.nu/tcn2

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(469): View more from Texas

I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...

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(469): I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra... http://tfl.nu/hira

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I think i sorta joined a cult last night

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(308): I think i sorta joined a cult last night http://tfl.nu/1gad

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.

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(918): Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken. http://tfl.nu/pmvb

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.

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(217): I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello. http://tfl.nu/7dqs

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars

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(608): so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars http://tfl.nu/jmti

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(214): View more from Texas

He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.

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(214): He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome. http://tfl.nu/msec

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(440): View more from Ohio

i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime

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(440): i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime http://tfl.nu/8e5t

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(417): View more from Missouri

No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.

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(417): No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times. http://tfl.nu/xlrm

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(815): View more from Illinois

I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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(815): I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe. http://tfl.nu/z3x3

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think I can smell my own vagina right now

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(720): I think I can smell my own vagina right now http://tfl.nu/1nsr

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(317): View more from Indiana

I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.

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(317): I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands. http://tfl.nu/acvp

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(602): View more from Arizona

So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.

(480): View more from Arizona

so you punched his junk, right?

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(602): So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex. (480): so you punched his junk, right? http://tfl.nu/9kpg

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(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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(404): Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon. http://tfl.nu/d58s

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

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(214): Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake. http://tfl.nu/zq33

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.

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(443): I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding. http://tfl.nu/l068

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(651): View more from Minnesota

my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego

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(651): my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego http://tfl.nu/c4f3

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(305): View more from Florida

why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?

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(305): why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do? http://tfl.nu/hnao

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(773): View more from Illinois

I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.

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(773): I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch. http://tfl.nu/99z3

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."

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(724): You kept referring to your penis as "this guy." http://tfl.nu/osjv

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

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(717): i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me http://tfl.nu/mrrk

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.

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(407): I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin. http://tfl.nu/d7w8

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(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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(210): I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink http://tfl.nu/9ici

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(317): View more from Indiana

cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome

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(317): cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome http://tfl.nu/yrg8

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(859): View more from Kentucky

thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.

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(859): thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that. http://tfl.nu/160n

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror

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(515): I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror http://tfl.nu/xej5

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.

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(508): he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time. http://tfl.nu/9x69

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(214): View more from Texas

you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?

(806): View more from Texas

i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.

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(214): you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him? (806): i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem. http://tfl.nu/wekp

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(618): View more from Illinois

he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns

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(618): he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns http://tfl.nu/88xb

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(360): View more from Washington

I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood

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(360): I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood http://tfl.nu/vxnk

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(804): View more from Virginia

she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.

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(804): she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off. http://tfl.nu/ypig

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(312): View more from Illinois

I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.

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(312): I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night. http://tfl.nu/6of9

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

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(817): I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck. http://tfl.nu/i3zz

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...

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(814): I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker... http://tfl.nu/b9kq

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(208): She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!" http://tfl.nu/qjvm

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(913): View more from Kansas

the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

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(913): the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me http://tfl.nu/ze1e

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(970): View more from Colorado

my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned

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(970): my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned http://tfl.nu/3gli

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(360): View more from Washington

It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

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(360): It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick http://tfl.nu/navf

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(832): The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left. http://tfl.nu/7tek

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(518): View more from New York

It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.

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(518): It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet. http://tfl.nu/rqq2

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.

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(717): dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high. http://tfl.nu/gyij

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(336): I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture (1-336): Glad to see your being a lady about this http://tfl.nu/pcgd

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(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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(408): I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class. http://tfl.nu/di0h

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(734): A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country. http://tfl.nu/okwk

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(970): View more from Colorado

I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me

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(970): I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me http://tfl.nu/ieav

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(845): View more from New York

so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

(845): View more from New York

i guess it runs in the family.

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(845): so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date (845): i guess it runs in the family. http://tfl.nu/gfn4

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

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(336): We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her http://tfl.nu/niqc

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.

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(414): he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie. http://tfl.nu/pbor

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(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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(312): i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it. http://tfl.nu/r7km

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(+82): View more from South Korea

You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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(+82): You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes. http://tfl.nu/6vdw

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(314): Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee http://tfl.nu/57zq

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(817): View more from Texas

You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

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(817): You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time http://tfl.nu/ixfn

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(253): View more from Washington

she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.

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(253): she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time. http://tfl.nu/yrce

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(303): View more from Colorado

Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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(303): Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water... http://tfl.nu/8ncn

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(630): View more from Illinois

If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.

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(630): If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus. http://tfl.nu/iii0

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(315): View more from New York

My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

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(315): My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships... http://tfl.nu/1r9u

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.

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(403): I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night. http://tfl.nu/12y8

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.

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(765): I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work. http://tfl.nu/q42i

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.

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(507): Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES. http://tfl.nu/ydba

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(214): My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight. http://tfl.nu/3ozf

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.

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(905): I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation. http://tfl.nu/5c1o

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(360): View more from Washington

All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.

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(360): All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together. http://tfl.nu/fujj

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"

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(336): He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth" http://tfl.nu/505h

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(908): I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me. http://tfl.nu/2kto

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(315): View more from New York

We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"

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(315): We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?" http://tfl.nu/1ge9

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(817): View more from Texas

HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.

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(817): HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis. http://tfl.nu/iuvq

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

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(519): I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle. http://tfl.nu/aifz

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm full of awesome ideas

(972): View more from Texas

Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...

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(214): I'm full of awesome ideas (972): Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs... http://tfl.nu/g4si

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(860): we've started having sober sex (203): you really do like him http://tfl.nu/ocmd

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(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

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(707): You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative http://tfl.nu/7tsg

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(773): Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom. http://tfl.nu/dmbr

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome

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(403): That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome http://tfl.nu/k9p3

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(614): you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink. http://tfl.nu/tx6g

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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(403): Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying. http://tfl.nu/rtdk

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e

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(760): View more from California

I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass

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(760): I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass http://tfl.nu/6hj6

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(619): View more from California

dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"

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(619): dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober" http://tfl.nu/5gad

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."

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(901): i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight." http://tfl.nu/7ug8

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(318): View more from Louisiana

omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!

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(318): omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!! http://tfl.nu/wtbk

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party

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(508): the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party http://tfl.nu/wsii

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Does God suck his dick?

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(270): He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God." (1-270): Does God suck his dick? http://tfl.nu/w42a

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

only you. it could only happen to you.

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(617): so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it (1-617): only you. it could only happen to you. http://tfl.nu/wr6i

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(517): View more from Michigan

Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you

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(517): Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you http://tfl.nu/77p0

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(708): View more from Illinois

You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.

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(708): You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook. http://tfl.nu/mlr4

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I'm glad girls dont get visible erections

(617): View more from Massachusetts

But, it would have made life so much easier...

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(857): I'm glad girls dont get visible erections (617 ): But, it would have made life so much easier... http://tfl.nu/zuky

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(206): View more from Washington

Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.

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(206): Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use. http://tfl.nu/b12a

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(510): View more from California

It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...

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(510): It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house... http://tfl.nu/3wgf

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(734): just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies" http://tfl.nu/wh5q

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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(508): Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor. (339): No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though. http://tfl.nu/0uyr

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(204): She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous http://tfl.nu/ntwa

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(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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(971): So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully" http://tfl.nu/lw3x

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.

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(403): So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint. http://tfl.nu/8aqq

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(757): I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it. http://tfl.nu/uqxt

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(313): View more from Michigan

is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...

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(313): is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad... http://tfl.nu/md38

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(203): View more from Connecticut

recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding

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(203): recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding http://tfl.nu/t8fl

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(416): View more from Ontario

I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.

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(416): I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom. http://tfl.nu/jkib

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(818): View more from California

you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures

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(818): you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures http://tfl.nu/qd8i

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(727): View more from Florida

I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again

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(727): I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again http://tfl.nu/kvos

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(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

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(775): What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS? (1-775): A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass! http://tfl.nu/lvgp

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(248): View more from Michigan

we have pet lesbian snakes

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(248): we have pet lesbian snakes http://tfl.nu/tcmu

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.

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(410): I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night. http://tfl.nu/medf

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?

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(859): he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in? http://tfl.nu/0531

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(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

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(319): Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk. http://tfl.nu/a04b

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(404): View more from Georgia

Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

did you answer or finish?

(404): View more from Georgia

both

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(404): Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called? (1-404): did you answer or finish? (404): both http://tfl.nu/gzoz

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(925): View more from California

he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look

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(925): he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look http://tfl.nu/dco3

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(646): View more from New York

So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."

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(646): So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit." http://tfl.nu/5gls

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Houston.. we have a drinking problem..

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(402): Houston.. we have a drinking problem.. http://tfl.nu/fbwf

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(269): View more from Michigan

Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to

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(269): Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to http://tfl.nu/vc1c

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(605): View more from South Dakota

So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?

(720): View more from Colorado

This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

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(605): So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win? (720): This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok? http://tfl.nu/drjm

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(727): View more from Florida

I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?

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(727): I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what? http://tfl.nu/li5i

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(661): View more from California

how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?

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(661): how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth? http://tfl.nu/fdur

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(404): View more from Georgia

this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night

(404): View more from Georgia

i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator

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(404): this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night (404): i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator http://tfl.nu/lkbi

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(970): View more from Colorado

Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.

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(970): Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game. http://tfl.nu/c0fd

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down

(919): View more from North Carolina

i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him

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(336): he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down (919): i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him http://tfl.nu/upw6

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(951): View more from California

Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.

(951): View more from California

Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.

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(951): Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night. (951): Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended. http://tfl.nu/dcrw

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(661): View more from California

Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.

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(661): Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times. http://tfl.nu/sk4n

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

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(804): Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush. http://tfl.nu/5pf3

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(905): View more from Toronto

he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"

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(905): he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine" http://tfl.nu/dcrf

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(731): View more from Tennessee

can we take a shower together?

(901): View more from Tennessee

no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing

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(731): can we take a shower together? (901): no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing http://tfl.nu/lc5h

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?

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(215): what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop? http://tfl.nu/1iue

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(410): View more from Maryland

He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.

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(410): He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college. http://tfl.nu/mdh1

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.

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(780): i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself. http://tfl.nu/5eaf

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir

(952): View more from Minnesota

details?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

alcohol + bed + penis = sex

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(920): i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir (952): details? (920): alcohol + bed + penis = sex http://tfl.nu/7qj6

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(704): View more from North Carolina

happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash

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(704): happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash http://tfl.nu/ibz5

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping

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(724): Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping http://tfl.nu/9juf

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(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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(541): Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk http://tfl.nu/l5et

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.

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(617): I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples. http://tfl.nu/l51o

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away

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(404): hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away http://tfl.nu/s83j

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(805): View more from California

He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.

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(805): He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have. http://tfl.nu/ny5u

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(925): View more from California

I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.

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(925): I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time. http://tfl.nu/c4ll

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."

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(832): I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant." http://tfl.nu/1fxo

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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(908): I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in. http://tfl.nu/z4b8

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

yo everyone went to the hospital last night

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(401): yo everyone went to the hospital last night http://tfl.nu/d0a6

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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(920): So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again. http://tfl.nu/54yy

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(903): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

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(903): Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later http://tfl.nu/a1zy

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(989): View more from Michigan

It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.

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(989): It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat. http://tfl.nu/ln17

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(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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(310): Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake http://tfl.nu/w9rn

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(817): View more from Texas

you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for

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(817): you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for http://tfl.nu/dk1d

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(802): View more from Vermont

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

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(802): every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin. http://tfl.nu/un5l

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(310): View more from California

dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore

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(310): dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore http://tfl.nu/vh83

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(518): View more from New York

he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

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(518): he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name. http://tfl.nu/imhe

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(734): View more from Michigan

she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.

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(734): she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help. http://tfl.nu/iorj

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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(717): wanna hang out tonight and remember it? http://tfl.nu/5q3c

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(785): View more from Kansas

There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

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(785): There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob. http://tfl.nu/pwq0

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

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(609): you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though http://tfl.nu/8e43

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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(612): I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?" http://tfl.nu/juih

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(415): I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?" http://tfl.nu/fnwu

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(850): Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual. http://tfl.nu/97w0

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.

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(508): my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together. http://tfl.nu/95cx

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(503): View more from Oregon

There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.

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(503): There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize. http://tfl.nu/694m

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.

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(603): Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty. http://tfl.nu/d4ib

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(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

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(207): i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship http://tfl.nu/kphu

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

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(401): You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions. http://tfl.nu/pgpr

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(716): View more from New York

I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount

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(716): I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount http://tfl.nu/p3jz

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(248): View more from Michigan

after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life

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(248): after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life http://tfl.nu/k9mo

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(630): View more from Illinois

He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

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(630): He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that? http://tfl.nu/r8k1

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(810): View more from Michigan

Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.

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(810): Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever. http://tfl.nu/u46n

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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(484): THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH. (610): What? (484): A TROUGH FOR VOMIT. http://tfl.nu/8z8s

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in

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(778): Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in http://tfl.nu/zrr6

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

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(314): Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us. http://tfl.nu/5cyi

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(989): View more from Michigan

i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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(989): i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen http://tfl.nu/envk

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(765): View more from Indiana

let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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(765): let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment. http://tfl.nu/novi

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(480): View more from Arizona

Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

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(480): Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles. http://tfl.nu/jmsm

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(469): View more from Texas

Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick

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(469): Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick http://tfl.nu/zqfp

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(313): View more from Michigan

Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?

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(313): Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board? http://tfl.nu/cf1u

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(701): She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex. http://tfl.nu/crgk

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.

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(574): I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA. http://tfl.nu/q47o

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(703): View more from Virginia

tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.

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(703): tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions. http://tfl.nu/m5qp

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.

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(617): living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST. http://tfl.nu/nhyx

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(314): View more from Missouri

his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?

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(314): his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride? http://tfl.nu/qrch

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(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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(979): You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands (713): When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things http://tfl.nu/2j2p

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"

(571): View more from Virginia

you make me proud to be your friend

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(703): Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe" (571): you make me proud to be your friend http://tfl.nu/nyf8

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(703): View more from Virginia

grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it

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(703): grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it http://tfl.nu/pj49

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(706): View more from Georgia

I GOT MY PERIOD!

(706): View more from Georgia

damn. i had names picked out.

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(706): I GOT MY PERIOD! (706): damn. i had names picked out. http://tfl.nu/tcr6

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(630): View more from Illinois

hot girl, 5 o clock

(1-630): View more from Illinois

do you know how to read a clock?

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(630): hot girl, 5 o clock (1-630): do you know how to read a clock? http://tfl.nu/x1wt

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(845): View more from New York

don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter

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(845): don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter http://tfl.nu/0xc6

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now

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(306): We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now http://tfl.nu/pjjq

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore

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(781): I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore http://tfl.nu/jp8t

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(251): View more from Alabama

She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.

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(251): She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy. http://tfl.nu/vond

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(404): View more from Georgia

Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.

(706): View more from Georgia

Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.

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(404): Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me. (706): Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest. http://tfl.nu/zfpy

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(205): View more from Alabama

It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.

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(205): It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette. http://tfl.nu/u0k7

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(312): Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there. (1-312): None of that is ok. http://tfl.nu/fi6r

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(817): View more from Texas

I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?

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(817): I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding? http://tfl.nu/zuv6

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the worst part is we had a camera rolling

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have to watch that.

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(215): the worst part is we had a camera rolling (267): Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys? (215): Yes. (267): I have to watch that. http://tfl.nu/u325

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(716): View more from New York

you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.

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(716): you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all. http://tfl.nu/2dp0

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(347): View more from New York

we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy

(203): View more from Connecticut

go home

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(347): we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy (203): go home http://tfl.nu/91uo

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(310): View more from California

my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.

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(310): my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis. http://tfl.nu/isfk

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(312): View more from Illinois

You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?

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(312): You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend? http://tfl.nu/xot8

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(407): View more from Florida

Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.

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(407): Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer. http://tfl.nu/hnl7

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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(630): I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building. http://tfl.nu/xm6j

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(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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(713): on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left http://tfl.nu/gb7d

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(214): View more from Texas

I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.

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(214): I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day. http://tfl.nu/pcf7

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09

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(706): View more from Georgia

TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!

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(706): TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!! http://tfl.nu/qyaf

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(703): View more from Virginia

Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”

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(703): Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh” http://tfl.nu/trqs

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(913): View more from Kansas

Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.

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(913): Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla. http://tfl.nu/bslp

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(847): View more from Illinois

All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg

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(847): All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg http://tfl.nu/5dma

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?

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(617): Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness? http://tfl.nu/575t

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I look better un-naked...

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(870): I look better un-naked... http://tfl.nu/umxx

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(518): View more from New York

I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty

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(518): I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty http://tfl.nu/4081

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

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(570): I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document http://tfl.nu/k2y9

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(503): View more from Oregon

i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!

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(503): i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly! http://tfl.nu/tm2j

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(425): View more from Washington

If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab

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(425): If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab http://tfl.nu/ezlg

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(407): View more from Florida

I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.

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(407): I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level. http://tfl.nu/6nqz

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(616): View more from Michigan

If i could tip my vagina, i would.

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(616): If i could tip my vagina, i would. http://tfl.nu/vria

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(540): View more from Virginia

just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south

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(540): just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south http://tfl.nu/fqw1

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

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(262): Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now http://tfl.nu/184c

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(309): View more from Illinois

My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.

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(309): My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead. http://tfl.nu/49y2

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.

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(918): WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW. http://tfl.nu/fz7p

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(206): View more from Washington

She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

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(206): She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again. http://tfl.nu/x87e

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(317): You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time http://tfl.nu/w7q6

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(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

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(513): Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit. (478): I'll get my vaginal cartography poster. http://tfl.nu/m8ec

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(415): View more from California

Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

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(415): Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only. http://tfl.nu/ffub

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(754): View more from Florida

you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

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(754): you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence. http://tfl.nu/syql

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(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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(714): i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock http://tfl.nu/oxvs

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.

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(709): the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table. http://tfl.nu/ak9q

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(309): i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons. (309): so finals studying is going well? http://tfl.nu/jt5e

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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(413): He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing. http://tfl.nu/up8v

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(815): i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since. (1-815): you need to get laid.. and an oil change. http://tfl.nu/z8d3

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(720): View more from Colorado

Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers

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(720): Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers http://tfl.nu/jgqx

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(530): I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight. (1-530): fuck. you. http://tfl.nu/1kgv

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(251): View more from Alabama

Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

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(251): Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his http://tfl.nu/lwp2

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(402): On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho. (402): Update, its a couple http://tfl.nu/mrbp

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(614): Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is http://tfl.nu/l5nn

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(617): Houston, we have a problem (781): where are u? (617): Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. http://tfl.nu/zyw6

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

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(608): Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke." (1-608): At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account. (608): Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot. http://tfl.nu/k199

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT http://tfl.nu/70k5

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.

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(612): I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch. http://tfl.nu/mufm

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore

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(339): That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore http://tfl.nu/dkgm

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou

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(978): he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou http://tfl.nu/bfpm

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(315): View more from New York

You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.

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(315): You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser. http://tfl.nu/232e

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.

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(717): so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity. http://tfl.nu/nf2x

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(254): View more from Texas

I'M GETTING MARRIED!

(512): View more from Texas

YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!

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(254): I'M GETTING MARRIED! (512): YOU'RE STILL MARRIED! http://tfl.nu/48vu

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina

(804): View more from Virginia

not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote

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(401): she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina (804): not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote http://tfl.nu/mq8t

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(240): boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill http://tfl.nu/6vp9

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(562): View more from California

I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.

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(562): I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day. http://tfl.nu/v32p

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(715): isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month http://tfl.nu/ybux

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.

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(617): it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina. http://tfl.nu/7xv1

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(206): And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny http://tfl.nu/a88g

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(301): View more from Maryland

seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...

(443): View more from Maryland

that's spring break in florida for ya

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(301): seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything... (443): that's spring break in florida for ya http://tfl.nu/f4zu

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking

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(843): Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking http://tfl.nu/l9zh

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(516): View more from New York

shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.

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(516): shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously. http://tfl.nu/hrom

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(240): View more from Maryland

woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.

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(240): woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again. http://tfl.nu/b9n0

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(541): You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore" http://tfl.nu/euok

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(416): View more from Toronto

he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

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(416): he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun... http://tfl.nu/vbhp

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(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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(315): I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions. http://tfl.nu/6xcw

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.

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(501): i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is. http://tfl.nu/pdzt

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(516): View more from New York

The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"

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(516): The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse" http://tfl.nu/y3e0

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(706): View more from Georgia

That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.

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(706): That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night. http://tfl.nu/8vqf

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(313): View more from Michigan

so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.

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(313): so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT. http://tfl.nu/lt7f

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(425): View more from Washington

Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.

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(425): Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away. http://tfl.nu/ldh5

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.

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(256): I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck. http://tfl.nu/xyly

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(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

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(716): i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly http://tfl.nu/a8cm

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.

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(508): I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave. http://tfl.nu/zhay

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(443): View more from Maryland

Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

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(443): Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable. http://tfl.nu/quma

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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(407): I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!? http://tfl.nu/85fy

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(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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(214): I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now. http://tfl.nu/38zc

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(941): View more from Florida

Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.

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(941): Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band. http://tfl.nu/r564

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.

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(248): i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots. http://tfl.nu/9g8z

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(732): There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish. http://tfl.nu/b1hn

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(+44): At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever. http://tfl.nu/bxy4

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(410): View more from Maryland

She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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(410): She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else. http://tfl.nu/yur0

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(432): View more from Texas

He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"

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(432): He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun" http://tfl.nu/hrdc

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(702): View more from Nevada

well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?

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(702): well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right? http://tfl.nu/0mj4

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(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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(636): So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned. http://tfl.nu/elt7

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator

(908): View more from New Jersey

hello competition

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(973): so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator (908): hello competition http://tfl.nu/cped

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(315): View more from New York

I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.

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(315): I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong. http://tfl.nu/20fz

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(678): View more from Georgia

she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy

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(678): she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy http://tfl.nu/57ze

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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(816): Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower. http://tfl.nu/cq6t

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

we'll go far in life on tits alone.

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(401): we'll go far in life on tits alone. http://tfl.nu/gwfe

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(203): i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words. (1-203): it's 1 pm. http://tfl.nu/0ewp

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(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

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(480): She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like http://tfl.nu/mlp3

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.

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(203): he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs. http://tfl.nu/tskr

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(703): View more from Virginia

We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.

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(703): We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along. http://tfl.nu/ex0g

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

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(336): i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance http://tfl.nu/wpko

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(937): View more from Ohio

pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...

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(937): pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point... http://tfl.nu/zj6y

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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(832): So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party. http://tfl.nu/a5ld

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(303): View more from Colorado

He felt like a one man threesome

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(303): He felt like a one man threesome http://tfl.nu/1ehs

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(604): View more from British Columbia

his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed

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(604): his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed http://tfl.nu/zsvf

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(308): View more from Nebraska

whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.

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(308): whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on. http://tfl.nu/zd9d

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(630): View more from Illinois

which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?

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(630): which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november? http://tfl.nu/f9dy

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(908): View more from New Jersey

no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request

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(908): no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request http://tfl.nu/jdk4

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(303): View more from Colorado

The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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(303): The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick" http://tfl.nu/klf2

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(303): View more from Colorado

You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.

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(303): You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you. http://tfl.nu/1hxd

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.

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(201): you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time. http://tfl.nu/39ft

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(803): View more from South Carolina

have you facebook stalked him yet?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

No, I don’t know his last name...

(803): View more from South Carolina

Just google his license plate numb

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(803): have you facebook stalked him yet? (1-803): No, I don’t know his last name... (803): Just google his license plate numb http://tfl.nu/nn7i

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(303): View more from Colorado

There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?

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(303): There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house? http://tfl.nu/bwc7

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

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(308): I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose. http://tfl.nu/x4bb

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(330): View more from Ohio

this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?

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(330): this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants? http://tfl.nu/rwj9

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

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(519): I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible. http://tfl.nu/zom5

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(216): View more from Ohio

I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

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(216): I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips. http://tfl.nu/1ir1

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night

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(617): I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night http://tfl.nu/u1r5

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together

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(570): you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together http://tfl.nu/6q67

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(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

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(714): Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful http://tfl.nu/3flc

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(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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(303): i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed http://tfl.nu/xgm0

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

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(985): He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it" http://tfl.nu/q1ud

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(517): View more from Michigan

On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out

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(517): On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out http://tfl.nu/qemu

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(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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(906): Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore http://tfl.nu/jxvu

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(607): View more from New York

Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned

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(607): Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned http://tfl.nu/r5xe

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(618): View more from Illinois

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

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(618): the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux http://tfl.nu/x72r

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk

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(805): View more from California

my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.

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(805): my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad. http://tfl.nu/fiwi

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?

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(814): 1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame? http://tfl.nu/zg21

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(706): Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later http://tfl.nu/a02r

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(404): my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material. http://tfl.nu/r91w

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(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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(631): what you doin? (516): I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you? (631): reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life http://tfl.nu/6c83

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(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

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(229): He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records. http://tfl.nu/dlha

Replies (41) Good night (8656) Bad night (772) Order T-Shirt
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(562): View more from California

even your uterus rejects him.

(1-562): View more from California

apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.

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(562): even your uterus rejects him. (1-562): apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body. http://tfl.nu/g0cm

Replies (7) Good night (5008) Bad night (858) Order T-Shirt
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(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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(760): so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig. http://tfl.nu/u35s

Replies (12) Good night (1506) Bad night (4610) Order T-Shirt
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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx

Replies (106) Good night (47516) Bad night (1289) Order T-Shirt

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