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I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Sponge bath it is.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
No subtext here. People are naked.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My cat gives me a boner
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I wish my penis had an off switch
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
tequila makes me forget i have legs
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
actually, I'm a sock model
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i love accidental penises.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
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