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the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I fill condoms, not promises.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It's blow job season.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.Â
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
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