She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
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