If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
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