Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She told me I should be a condom model.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
At least make sure they are 18
Why
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
either way he was missing a nipple.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I think I died a long time ago.
Favorite