just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
too bad you live with your parents still
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
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