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I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I booty called her while she was in labor.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
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