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Yo dont text me then not text me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
sarcasm needs its own font
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Your dad touched me again.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you didnt know i had herpes?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
His hands were made for my vagina.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
can you sing with all the voices of
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