And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
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