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I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
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