He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
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