Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
