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You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She's the barista slut.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
dude i'm inner monologue high
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i think i have herpe
just one?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
are you still at the devil's house?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my being single is dangerous.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Fuck appropriateness.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think I died a long time ago.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I hate your face
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The beer is more important than you right now.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Dual....:-)
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I got chris browned last night
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
We need to rekindle our bromance
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I love having hate sex.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
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