SavageBaby's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON http://tfl.nu/ic7e
  Replies (17) Good night (1338) Bad night (203) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (434): My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics. http://tfl.nu/jrhb
  Replies (8) Good night (1088) Bad night (240) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way? http://tfl.nu/h6qu
  Replies (4) Good night (897) Bad night (245) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year http://tfl.nu/tm45
  Replies (10) Good night (1316) Bad night (288)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"

  (1-914): View more from New York

  New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits" (1-914): New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak http://tfl.nu/prur
  Replies (8) Good night (1051) Bad night (215)
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (469): I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess. http://tfl.nu/eyc8
  Replies (3) Good night (910) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother. (1-570): Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off. http://tfl.nu/5ewz
  Replies (6) Good night (1710) Bad night (329)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome. http://tfl.nu/hol9
  Replies (6) Good night (2213) Bad night (544) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans. http://tfl.nu/fhpi
  Replies (3) Good night (1215) Bad night (321) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

  (1-715): View more from Wisconsin

  PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

  (1-715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT. (1-715): PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING. (1-715): I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little. http://tfl.nu/04tj
  Replies (15) Good night (1818) Bad night (388)
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina. http://tfl.nu/fwb5
  Replies (5) Good night (377) Bad night (1247) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (979): View more from Texas

  For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.

  (512): View more from Texas

  You. Win. At. Life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (979): For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280. (512): You. Win. At. Life. http://tfl.nu/wgzm
  Replies (34) Good night (2270) Bad night (768)
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours. http://tfl.nu/5jwu
  Replies (10) Good night (3250) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  And your cock privileges have been revoked.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck? (604): And your cock privileges have been revoked. http://tfl.nu/u4qr
  Replies (10) Good night (990) Bad night (1574)
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face http://tfl.nu/7v6p
  Replies (9) Good night (1595) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates. http://tfl.nu/madm
  Replies (8) Good night (1746) Bad night (385) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (787): I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now? http://tfl.nu/uqqo
  Replies (8) Good night (594) Bad night (1330) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order. http://tfl.nu/s8w4
  Replies (4) Good night (3145) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab http://tfl.nu/m7xl
  Replies (4) Good night (1524) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Gym?

  (801): View more from Utah

  Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Gym? (801): Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants. http://tfl.nu/eaoe
  Replies (7) Good night (1253) Bad night (588)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G http://tfl.nu/pzjk
  Replies (5) Good night (1630) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me. http://tfl.nu/paz8
  Replies (24) Good night (2899) Bad night (500) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens. (1-413): A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck. http://tfl.nu/qib0
  Replies (9) Good night (1263) Bad night (405) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella. http://tfl.nu/lhln
  Replies (10) Good night (3638) Bad night (611)
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome http://tfl.nu/b710
  Replies (10) Good night (1882) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (213): View more from California

  Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

  (1-213): View more from California

  best text I've received ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (213): Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon. (1-213): best text I've received ever. http://tfl.nu/3obm
  Replies (16) Good night (4704) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season. http://tfl.nu/r1ss
  Replies (3) Good night (639) Bad night (783) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (863): View more from Florida

  So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.

  (1-863): View more from Florida

  You're a fucking train wreck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (863): So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal. (1-863): You're a fucking train wreck. http://tfl.nu/4qd3
  Replies (3) Good night (1396) Bad night (480) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her. (1-610): That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs http://tfl.nu/zsmx
  Replies (5) Good night (1625) Bad night (322) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Why Weren't you wearing pants?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  because pants are for people with no imagination

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): Why Weren't you wearing pants? (647): because pants are for people with no imagination http://tfl.nu/baiz
  Replies (6) Good night (2214) Bad night (409)
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding. http://tfl.nu/u15s
  Replies (17) Good night (2017) Bad night (342) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk. http://tfl.nu/8anb
  Replies (11) Good night (2788) Bad night (572) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you http://tfl.nu/cez4
  Replies (5) Good night (1751) Bad night (592) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase http://tfl.nu/f5g4
  Replies (13) Good night (3264) Bad night (595)
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive http://tfl.nu/45br
  Replies (9) Good night (1870) Bad night (480)
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar. http://tfl.nu/9hcy
  Replies (7) Good night (1953) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa. http://tfl.nu/hvqf
  Replies (4) Good night (1189) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (661): Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears. http://tfl.nu/33uz
  Replies (7) Good night (2151) Bad night (472) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates. http://tfl.nu/cot7
  Replies (25) Good night (5819) Bad night (844) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk. http://tfl.nu/4vbt
  Replies (4) Good night (1577) Bad night (402)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies. http://tfl.nu/h31z
  Replies (9) Good night (2233) Bad night (462) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (936): View more from Texas

  I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (936): I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining. http://tfl.nu/kdvr
  Replies (2) Good night (1259) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it. http://tfl.nu/gdcc
  Replies (20) Good night (4172) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time. http://tfl.nu/n1tc
  Replies (3) Good night (1495) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos. http://tfl.nu/9yd3
  Replies (5) Good night (526) Bad night (1178)
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate. http://tfl.nu/d8ay
  Replies (4) Good night (1281) Bad night (312) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dangr zzzzzzzzone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): Dangr zzzzzzzzone http://tfl.nu/qvjb
  Replies (8) Good night (1888) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE http://tfl.nu/8spd
  Replies (17) Good night (767) Bad night (1744) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated. http://tfl.nu/zxsm
  Replies (6) Good night (1670) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps. http://tfl.nu/aqjz
  Replies (5) Good night (890) Bad night (6069) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME http://tfl.nu/m336
  Replies (18) Good night (2375) Bad night (512) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing. http://tfl.nu/j9h2
  Replies (16) Good night (1652) Bad night (443) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon. http://tfl.nu/nv69
  Replies (15) Good night (1633) Bad night (371) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here. http://tfl.nu/z5ot
  Replies (6) Good night (935) Bad night (421) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST. http://tfl.nu/xkvr
  Replies (21) Good night (1845) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you. http://tfl.nu/pksa
  Replies (6) Good night (4554) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking." http://tfl.nu/oftj
  Replies (17) Good night (7721) Bad night (947)
• Favorite

  (906): View more from Michigan

  It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (906): It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again http://tfl.nu/8319
  Replies (22) Good night (2219) Bad night (4960) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants. http://tfl.nu/algc
  Replies (7) Good night (927) Bad night (764) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished. http://tfl.nu/d04x
  Replies (12) Good night (4966) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  How do you feel?

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): How do you feel? (1-970): Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again. http://tfl.nu/th8n
  Replies (6) Good night (818) Bad night (1339) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman. http://tfl.nu/6t1t
  Replies (10) Good night (2859) Bad night (335) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood http://tfl.nu/ffyp
  Replies (36) Good night (807) Bad night (5950) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men http://tfl.nu/fivt
  Replies (14) Good night (834) Bad night (1695) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  I feel a five day drunk coming on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): I feel a five day drunk coming on. http://tfl.nu/u0qx
  Replies (4) Good night (1028) Bad night (449) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs. http://tfl.nu/5p7v
  Replies (7) Good night (1272) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  Solid. Can't put a price on good times

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You can and it's called a liver.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (386): Solid. Can't put a price on good times (978): You can and it's called a liver. http://tfl.nu/hzws
  Replies (3) Good night (1639) Bad night (447)
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (661): u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom http://tfl.nu/4j5d
  Replies (10) Good night (3249) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer. http://tfl.nu/o6i1
  Replies (2) Good night (1136) Bad night (338) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

  (426): View more from

  So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy. (426): So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee. http://tfl.nu/cx81
  Replies (12) Good night (2978) Bad night (376)
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Except even better, boobs get discounts.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8. (307): Except even better, boobs get discounts. http://tfl.nu/cz7z
  Replies (11) Good night (1832) Bad night (346)
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do. http://tfl.nu/w9t3
  Replies (5) Good night (1932) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings. http://tfl.nu/9nj8
  Replies (6) Good night (1639) Bad night (337) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to" http://tfl.nu/krok
  Replies (4) Good night (1376) Bad night (441)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.

  (1-310): View more from California

  You're sick. Take pictures if you can.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had. (1-310): You're sick. Take pictures if you can. http://tfl.nu/uy3u
  Replies (4) Good night (1695) Bad night (396)
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n http://tfl.nu/cubl
  Replies (4) Good night (1562) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial http://tfl.nu/8xau
  Replies (10) Good night (3288) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You? http://tfl.nu/a56a
  Replies (6) Good night (1968) Bad night (463) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (940): View more from Texas

  You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (940): You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins. http://tfl.nu/4yq8
  Replies (3) Good night (1585) Bad night (331) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat. http://tfl.nu/b45i
  Replies (29) Good night (5183) Bad night (706) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me. http://tfl.nu/2bgd
  Replies (9) Good night (2719) Bad night (1183) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts

  (805): View more from California

  YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts are serious business

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH (1-805): budget cuts (805): YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS (1-805): budget cuts are serious business http://tfl.nu/xrnj
  Replies (14) Good night (3821) Bad night (682)
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life http://tfl.nu/x15r
  Replies (22) Good night (881) Bad night (1527) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines. http://tfl.nu/3y2e
  Replies (22) Good night (2560) Bad night (480)
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now. http://tfl.nu/f98q
  Replies (14) Good night (1977) Bad night (1172) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.

  (206): View more from Washington

  Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack. (1-206): Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on. (206): Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together. http://tfl.nu/xcw6
  Replies (11) Good night (2063) Bad night (409)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down. http://tfl.nu/m8at
  Replies (18) Good night (2553) Bad night (771) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in?? http://tfl.nu/j32d
  Replies (4) Good night (1512) Bad night (463) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses. http://tfl.nu/pr98
  Replies (11) Good night (6482) Bad night (983) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (469): Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it... http://tfl.nu/spt6
  Replies (7) Good night (2440) Bad night (489)
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls? http://tfl.nu/vzcb
  Replies (133) Good night (933) Bad night (6101)
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested. http://tfl.nu/vry7
  Replies (15) Good night (4669) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule. http://tfl.nu/t3gw
  Replies (6) Good night (1308) Bad night (496)
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted. http://tfl.nu/t3jd
  Replies (2) Good night (974) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be. http://tfl.nu/oevd
  Replies (2) Good night (421) Bad night (816) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off? http://tfl.nu/dr6k
  Replies (10) Good night (1297) Bad night (1042) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me. http://tfl.nu/lccl
  Replies (3) Good night (2183) Bad night (413) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (078): View more from

  Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (078): Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?! http://tfl.nu/fofo
  Replies (9) Good night (847) Bad night (789) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful http://tfl.nu/kqdo
  Replies (11) Good night (2962) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college http://tfl.nu/vjhh
  Replies (37) Good night (6681) Bad night (482) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze. http://tfl.nu/rr46
  Replies (27) Good night (5677) Bad night (611) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything. http://tfl.nu/e1ys
  Replies (84) Good night (1831) Bad night (6660) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE (1-847): This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to. http://tfl.nu/xeyh
  Replies (15) Good night (4230) Bad night (721) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok. http://tfl.nu/1awh
  Replies (10) Good night (2381) Bad night (590) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (551): View more from New Jersey

  Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (551): Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead (201): NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it" http://tfl.nu/4pzt
  Replies (85) Good night (4716) Bad night (962)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.

  (706): View more from Georgia

  I hope you did not try this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face. (706): I hope you did not try this. http://tfl.nu/9l4w
  Replies (10) Good night (1482) Bad night (963)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats. http://tfl.nu/2ns1
  Replies (7) Good night (1412) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane. http://tfl.nu/dlou
  Replies (20) Good night (3619) Bad night (401)
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.

  (619): View more from California

  I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.

  (760): View more from California

  I referred to the cat as amicable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat. (619): I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race. (760): I referred to the cat as amicable. http://tfl.nu/ls44
  Replies (4) Good night (1404) Bad night (415)
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  Where the royal fuck are you??

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  The depths of vodka hell.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): Where the royal fuck are you?? (1-425): The depths of vodka hell. http://tfl.nu/wloy
  Replies (13) Good night (2003) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (559): View more from California

  i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (559): i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat. http://tfl.nu/jbsx
  Replies (62) Good night (9740) Bad night (840) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab. http://tfl.nu/smzr
  Replies (7) Good night (1771) Bad night (590) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...

  (775): View more from Nevada

  yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me... (775): yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift. http://tfl.nu/mwdt
  Replies (25) Good night (5403) Bad night (714)
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning. http://tfl.nu/ecmy
  Replies (23) Good night (3119) Bad night (825) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?! http://tfl.nu/d9v0
  Replies (61) Good night (1253) Bad night (2209) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion. http://tfl.nu/2944
  Replies (6) Good night (1166) Bad night (449) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO. (301): Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever. http://tfl.nu/txh9
  Replies (11) Good night (1849) Bad night (409)
• Favorite

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (320): I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years. http://tfl.nu/ge1t
  Replies (2) Good night (900) Bad night (1155) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry. http://tfl.nu/ss3s
  Replies (6) Good night (3116) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (251): View more from Alabama

  why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (251): why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us? http://tfl.nu/6pdz
  Replies (3) Good night (1556) Bad night (393) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore.... (774): HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance http://tfl.nu/0qjd
  Replies (4) Good night (1701) Bad night (521)
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom. http://tfl.nu/ihoh
  Replies (25) Good night (3042) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being. http://tfl.nu/1bas
  Replies (7) Good night (798) Bad night (913) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian. http://tfl.nu/g8r4
  Replies (12) Good night (2568) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

  (972): View more from Texas

  Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift. (972): Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking. http://tfl.nu/jm0q
  Replies (23) Good night (2509) Bad night (542)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical http://tfl.nu/syu3
  Replies (6) Good night (1412) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant. (847): Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you. http://tfl.nu/48mv
  Replies (63) Good night (2785) Bad night (5895)
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk http://tfl.nu/ail4
  Replies (33) Good night (4238) Bad night (1189) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick. http://tfl.nu/hzir
  Replies (12) Good night (2344) Bad night (738) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is. http://tfl.nu/q4lm
  Replies (4) Good night (4533) Bad night (776) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this. http://tfl.nu/ipvr
  Replies (8) Good night (3087) Bad night (955) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
  Replies (30) Good night (17904) Bad night (890)
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor. http://tfl.nu/kri4
  Replies (10) Good night (1263) Bad night (1899)
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake http://tfl.nu/sp6n
  Replies (9) Good night (2689) Bad night (644) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt. http://tfl.nu/4dkg
  Replies (33) Good night (3440) Bad night (840) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her

  (1-320): View more from Minnesota

  that's how i am about ashleys and britneys

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (320): her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her (1-320): that's how i am about ashleys and britneys http://tfl.nu/ea81
  Replies (61) Good night (1079) Bad night (1696) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night. http://tfl.nu/zl6t
  Replies (7) Good night (4468) Bad night (960) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday. http://tfl.nu/3qlk
  Replies (4) Good night (1385) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  She's the barista slut.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): She's the barista slut. http://tfl.nu/aqi5
  Replies (14) Good night (2470) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status. http://tfl.nu/kzoi
  Replies (43) Good night (14866) Bad night (1136) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple. http://tfl.nu/a9o6
  Replies (7) Good night (1708) Bad night (482) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates? http://tfl.nu/4l3k
  Replies (8) Good night (2696) Bad night (437) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake. http://tfl.nu/mhbs
  Replies (14) Good night (1058) Bad night (1647) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training. http://tfl.nu/cz3b
  Replies (15) Good night (4366) Bad night (896) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this. http://tfl.nu/o8j2
  Replies (6) Good night (2172) Bad night (1291) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move. http://tfl.nu/2sh4
  Replies (4) Good night (1097) Bad night (563) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off. http://tfl.nu/hleo
  Replies (16) Good night (2765) Bad night (453) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life. http://tfl.nu/3f3y
  Replies (13) Good night (1173) Bad night (785) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend http://tfl.nu/ha54
  Replies (6) Good night (2894) Bad night (562) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud. http://tfl.nu/wi0l
  Replies (18) Good night (6920) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I thought you were single?

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): I thought you were single? (1-262): I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick. http://tfl.nu/pt5v
  Replies (6) Good night (1625) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  coke and sex party at dan's

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  im watching greys anatomy with megan...

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  wha-pishhh

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): coke and sex party at dan's (201): im watching greys anatomy with megan... (973): wha-pishhh http://tfl.nu/auvy
  Replies (50) Good night (1037) Bad night (4303)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown. (+44): before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN http://tfl.nu/72q0
  Replies (28) Good night (8448) Bad night (1186)
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it. http://tfl.nu/od01
  Replies (3) Good night (1083) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved http://tfl.nu/hfsv
  Replies (15) Good night (3979) Bad night (695) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today http://tfl.nu/7gup
  Replies (6) Good night (1002) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet. http://tfl.nu/zmql
  Replies (15) Good night (1434) Bad night (544) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (620): View more from Kansas

  Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (620): Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven. http://tfl.nu/24p0
  Replies (42) Good night (9786) Bad night (1227) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!" http://tfl.nu/u8jk
  Replies (23) Good night (5955) Bad night (533)
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself. http://tfl.nu/02m3
  Replies (8) Good night (1662) Bad night (437) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building. http://tfl.nu/mjb6
  Replies (17) Good night (757) Bad night (2110) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘 http://tfl.nu/3lq0
  Replies (11) Good night (2393) Bad night (645)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips. http://tfl.nu/821r
  Replies (27) Good night (2716) Bad night (1282) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me? http://tfl.nu/anhw
  Replies (8) Good night (5329) Bad night (932) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship http://tfl.nu/kphu
  Replies (13) Good night (1758) Bad night (3676) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Already at 3 and it's not even noon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today. (616): Already at 3 and it's not even noon. http://tfl.nu/7ttt
  Replies (6) Good night (1308) Bad night (493)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :( http://tfl.nu/ztju
  Replies (25) Good night (3295) Bad night (563)
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  what ever happened to devon sawa?

  (415): View more from California

  fuck...who knows?

  (951): View more from California

  i'm really worried about him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): what ever happened to devon sawa? (415): fuck...who knows? (951): i'm really worried about him. http://tfl.nu/sfvp
  Replies (56) Good night (1118) Bad night (1569)
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say http://tfl.nu/ixst
  Replies (6) Good night (2033) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails http://tfl.nu/p7in
  Replies (12) Good night (3284) Bad night (777) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (606): I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships. http://tfl.nu/4vx4
  Replies (10) Good night (1077) Bad night (1113) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  my vagina has a 5:00 shadow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): my vagina has a 5:00 shadow http://tfl.nu/wj4u
  Replies (32) Good night (623) Bad night (4000) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem. http://tfl.nu/kucl
  Replies (29) Good night (1997) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel. http://tfl.nu/lrsp
  Replies (17) Good night (4236) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches. http://tfl.nu/8y2o
  Replies (40) Good night (3022) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/n1s3
  Replies (13) Good night (5569) Bad night (916) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea. http://tfl.nu/ohgs
  Replies (22) Good night (4273) Bad night (590) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam. http://tfl.nu/fk8j
  Replies (4) Good night (3402) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like http://tfl.nu/masc
  Replies (81) Good night (8838) Bad night (1201) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love http://tfl.nu/0ny7
  Replies (21) Good night (3492) Bad night (534) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  ru fi oooo

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang (1-617): ru fi oooo http://tfl.nu/syl6
  Replies (71) Good night (5060) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos. http://tfl.nu/hx66
  Replies (18) Good night (2432) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters..... http://tfl.nu/8dbk
  Replies (5) Good night (1685) Bad night (525)
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party. http://tfl.nu/of2q
  Replies (33) Good night (3547) Bad night (1235) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself http://tfl.nu/9jsd
  Replies (12) Good night (1374) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU. http://tfl.nu/87a2
  Replies (4) Good night (2077) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY! http://tfl.nu/jz8m
  Replies (21) Good night (742) Bad night (4022) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Bea Arthur died yesterday

  (240): View more from Maryland

  You shut your stupid mouth

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Betty White is next, I just know it.

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): Bea Arthur died yesterday (240): You shut your stupid mouth (301): Betty White is next, I just know it. (240): Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next. http://tfl.nu/xn02
  Replies (20) Good night (1064) Bad night (484)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.

  (972): View more from Texas

  I worry about you sometimes...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT. (972): I worry about you sometimes... http://tfl.nu/k7ay
  Replies (22) Good night (4983) Bad night (706)
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm moving there. Get me hired.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job. (973): I'm moving there. Get me hired. http://tfl.nu/wn7j
  Replies (39) Good night (5517) Bad night (624)
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff http://tfl.nu/b3xl
  Replies (83) Good night (11903) Bad night (1136) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?! http://tfl.nu/1fx5
  Replies (12) Good night (6555) Bad night (1017) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (228): View more from Mississippi

  He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (228): He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good" http://tfl.nu/hwu1
  Replies (33) Good night (6561) Bad night (965) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit. http://tfl.nu/ykdx
  Replies (45) Good night (5253) Bad night (1400) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is. http://tfl.nu/mbfy
  Replies (6) Good night (3472) Bad night (915) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

  (619): View more from California

  with a huge shlong

  (440): View more from Ohio

  massive. i wanna make bitches cry

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life (619): with a huge shlong (440): massive. i wanna make bitches cry http://tfl.nu/imk4
  Replies (39) Good night (5638) Bad night (623)
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here? http://tfl.nu/lydo
  Replies (20) Good night (4226) Bad night (1882) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!" http://tfl.nu/5vjf
  Replies (35) Good night (5663) Bad night (8221) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food. http://tfl.nu/5019
  Replies (20) Good night (3293) Bad night (811) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love. (920): You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit. http://tfl.nu/9jaf
  Replies (26) Good night (1053) Bad night (2654)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina. http://tfl.nu/djvg
  Replies (7) Good night (2594) Bad night (524) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you. http://tfl.nu/3vuw
  Replies (6) Good night (2001) Bad night (643) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked http://tfl.nu/2vrw
  Replies (5) Good night (3461) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck? http://tfl.nu/xqma
  Replies (8) Good night (692) Bad night (1088) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  You eat cookies in the shower?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie. (1-608): You eat cookies in the shower? http://tfl.nu/pj2d
  Replies (10) Good night (3099) Bad night (383) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (386): View more from Florida

  its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (386): its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea. http://tfl.nu/ey40
  Replies (3) Good night (1110) Bad night (1793) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
  Replies (182) Good night (51527) Bad night (1870)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week http://tfl.nu/5fel
  Replies (15) Good night (1907) Bad night (345) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts

  (1-631): View more from New York

  Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts (1-631): Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships? http://tfl.nu/5hoq
  Replies (19) Good night (1992) Bad night (1253)
• Favorite

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (507): The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything. http://tfl.nu/zuo5
  Replies (41) Good night (2350) Bad night (437) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong. http://tfl.nu/jd9v
  Replies (6) Good night (2967) Bad night (865) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid. http://tfl.nu/2ztg
  Replies (23) Good night (1923) Bad night (860) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision. http://tfl.nu/yqhh
  Replies (19) Good night (4971) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out. http://tfl.nu/h447
  Replies (10) Good night (4654) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier. http://tfl.nu/vwj3
  Replies (9) Good night (1208) Bad night (772) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating? http://tfl.nu/ubob
  Replies (6) Good night (1440) Bad night (962) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?

  (573): View more from Missouri

  You can't be serious.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right? (573): You can't be serious. http://tfl.nu/cmch
  Replies (58) Good night (3179) Bad night (598)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles. http://tfl.nu/gha2
  Replies (10) Good night (2403) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (254): View more from Texas

  that's what penises do

  (254): View more from Texas

  they tell lies.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (254): that's what penises do (254): they tell lies. http://tfl.nu/si8y
  Replies (14) Good night (4541) Bad night (1183)
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight http://tfl.nu/uzvu
  Replies (19) Good night (3947) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja http://tfl.nu/0h0h
  Replies (9) Good night (5025) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  That's funny. Are they weird looking???

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart. (1-262): That's funny. Are they weird looking??? (262): OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS. http://tfl.nu/egmz
  Replies (38) Good night (8765) Bad night (1217)
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss http://tfl.nu/yqt0
  Replies (17) Good night (8448) Bad night (879) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth http://tfl.nu/totm
  Replies (56) Good night (6700) Bad night (1320) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier. http://tfl.nu/icz2
  Replies (9) Good night (3548) Bad night (931) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

  (818): View more from California

  Punch her baby.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me. (818): Punch her baby. http://tfl.nu/ve2m
  Replies (59) Good night (6266) Bad night (866)
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): I would watch the shit out of some full house right now. http://tfl.nu/5ksj
  Replies (6) Good night (1968) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch. http://tfl.nu/v1iz
  Replies (47) Good night (11886) Bad night (1066) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'? http://tfl.nu/4fhn
  Replies (18) Good night (1672) Bad night (678) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy. http://tfl.nu/h40g
  Replies (7) Good night (5783) Bad night (678) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM http://tfl.nu/acmo
  Replies (43) Good night (1241) Bad night (3905) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises http://tfl.nu/ccm4
  Replies (4) Good night (1534) Bad night (856)
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  dude i'm inner monologue high

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): dude i'm inner monologue high http://tfl.nu/4ebt
  Replies (21) Good night (4094) Bad night (497) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen. http://tfl.nu/li1t
  Replies (4) Good night (1855) Bad night (429)
• Favorite

  (903): View more from Texas

  She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (903): She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch". http://tfl.nu/00r2
  Replies (18) Good night (5207) Bad night (1117) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire. http://tfl.nu/vw34
  Replies (11) Good night (2992) Bad night (604) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point? http://tfl.nu/14m2
  Replies (9) Good night (2632) Bad night (1211) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds. http://tfl.nu/2lul
  Replies (42) Good night (1758) Bad night (6456) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I'm not a mortal combat character

  (410): View more from Maryland

  but my vagina is

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): I'm not a mortal combat character (410): but my vagina is http://tfl.nu/01am
  Replies (16) Good night (1264) Bad night (408)
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (209): he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period http://tfl.nu/tso5
  Replies (217) Good night (1382) Bad night (28777) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
  Replies (358) Good night (59136) Bad night (7125) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
  Replies (301) Good night (100330) Bad night (5712)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie. http://tfl.nu/vbht
  Replies (15) Good night (2053) Bad night (506) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

  (623): View more from Arizona

  What did she do!?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I didn't tell her...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her... (623): What did she do!? (602): I didn't tell her... http://tfl.nu/i351
  Replies (218) Good night (5116) Bad night (24280)
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I demand visitation hours with the duck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): I demand visitation hours with the duck. http://tfl.nu/cyd2
  Replies (10) Good night (4136) Bad night (866) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (936): View more from Texas

  To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (936): To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex. http://tfl.nu/0t9p
  Replies (24) Good night (4999) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (571): View more from Virginia

  found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (571): found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game. http://tfl.nu/h3cm
  Replies (21) Good night (5516) Bad night (715) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust. http://tfl.nu/mc9g
  Replies (6) Good night (5879) Bad night (854) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is. http://tfl.nu/o2e4
  Replies (42) Good night (1140) Bad night (6446) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (316): View more from Kansas

  No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (316): No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here. http://tfl.nu/05bz
  Replies (71) Good night (759) Bad night (6081) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Hm. I declare blue a flavor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): Hm. I declare blue a flavor. http://tfl.nu/1q5w
  Replies (58) Good night (6644) Bad night (588) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): 1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed http://tfl.nu/vbeb
  Replies (7) Good night (2131) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

  (713): View more from Texas

  lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs
  Replies (21) Good night (10816) Bad night (1054)
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you http://tfl.nu/iz7v
  Replies (6) Good night (3723) Bad night (777) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW http://tfl.nu/587x
  Replies (15) Good night (4936) Bad night (982) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals http://tfl.nu/cfxk
  Replies (12) Good night (1161) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.' http://tfl.nu/dm32
  Replies (17) Good night (2026) Bad night (3704) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I'm not a real person

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I'm sorry, everyone knows that

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): I'm not a real person (586): I'm sorry, everyone knows that http://tfl.nu/uvd5
  Replies (4) Good night (766) Bad night (864)
• Favorite

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (763): how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea? http://tfl.nu/6syz
  Replies (12) Good night (2635) Bad night (764) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
  Replies (28) Good night (6942) Bad night (778)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  Edward fifth and chaser hands

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): Edward fifth and chaser hands http://tfl.nu/2o2p
  Replies (3) Good night (1461) Bad night (905) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person http://tfl.nu/p4il
  Replies (11) Good night (2193) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats. http://tfl.nu/387j
  Replies (8) Good night (2223) Bad night (679) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

  (561): View more from Florida

  But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): Bad news is he broke up with me via text message (561): But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville http://tfl.nu/1qx8
  Replies (28) Good night (6868) Bad night (1228)
• Favorite

  (+27): View more from South Africa

  Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+27): Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!" http://tfl.nu/eeqt
  Replies (15) Good night (3850) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango (1-717): IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN. http://tfl.nu/b5hl
  Replies (44) Good night (1468) Bad night (5110)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly http://tfl.nu/e7hc
  Replies (6) Good night (1605) Bad night (1179) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room? http://tfl.nu/ie68
  Replies (14) Good night (2377) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones. http://tfl.nu/pw89
  Replies (9) Good night (2200) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

  (253): View more from Washington

  ppsyche im wasted where are you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down (253): ppsyche im wasted where are you http://tfl.nu/a8tg
  Replies (5) Good night (3438) Bad night (518)
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard. http://tfl.nu/r907
  Replies (4) Good night (2760) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex. http://tfl.nu/opu2
  Replies (11) Good night (3794) Bad night (649) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth. http://tfl.nu/4ea8
  Replies (5) Good night (1917) Bad night (1116)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant http://tfl.nu/517l
  Replies (17) Good night (5148) Bad night (936) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse. http://tfl.nu/b0l0
  Replies (6) Good night (1490) Bad night (757) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist http://tfl.nu/58no
  Replies (8) Good night (1386) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.

  (260): View more from Indiana

  Good luck with that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me. (260): Good luck with that. http://tfl.nu/2zv5
  Replies (31) Good night (1040) Bad night (2850)
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina. http://tfl.nu/wkh7
  Replies (13) Good night (856) Bad night (1951) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  You should probably take note of that and make it happen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards. (267): You should probably take note of that and make it happen. http://tfl.nu/k5f3
  Replies (22) Good night (2588) Bad night (550)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head. (847): Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st http://tfl.nu/ptod
  Replies (6) Good night (3235) Bad night (753)
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius! http://tfl.nu/2kph
  Replies (259) Good night (4912) Bad night (4699) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste http://tfl.nu/zz8f
  Replies (54) Good night (829) Bad night (3218) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life. http://tfl.nu/9d1q
  Replies (25) Good night (1724) Bad night (5392) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (575): View more from New Mexico

  Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (575): Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits. http://tfl.nu/8qqe
  Replies (7) Good night (1836) Bad night (558) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter. http://tfl.nu/c050
  Replies (4) Good night (2791) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do. http://tfl.nu/ggug
  Replies (29) Good night (6302) Bad night (923)
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  i effin hate jeff goldbloom.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  but i totally would still bang him

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): i effin hate jeff goldbloom. (708): but i totally would still bang him http://tfl.nu/w2kp
  Replies (32) Good night (1501) Bad night (856)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that. http://tfl.nu/wbxh
  Replies (13) Good night (4510) Bad night (880) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles. http://tfl.nu/uozt
  Replies (11) Good night (2558) Bad night (633)
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo http://tfl.nu/nrq4
  Replies (23) Good night (4791) Bad night (943) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke." (1-608): At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account. (608): Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot. http://tfl.nu/k199
  Replies (66) Good night (4471) Bad night (1086)
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome. http://tfl.nu/mqe3
  Replies (32) Good night (3491) Bad night (927) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense. http://tfl.nu/zmp3
  Replies (12) Good night (5688) Bad night (525)
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off http://tfl.nu/qflt
  Replies (10) Good night (3286) Bad night (1186) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days http://tfl.nu/tlow
  Replies (25) Good night (5315) Bad night (932) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
  Replies (109) Good night (39854) Bad night (1922)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location http://tfl.nu/jdkq
  Replies (16) Good night (9247) Bad night (1027) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (912): View more from Georgia

  i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS

  (1-912): View more from Georgia

  dude...come out of the closet already

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (912): i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS (1-912): dude...come out of the closet already http://tfl.nu/3iv6
  Replies (40) Good night (1812) Bad night (4430) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice http://tfl.nu/qhk7
  Replies (3) Good night (2446) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient http://tfl.nu/pvik
  Replies (4) Good night (700) Bad night (1274) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever. http://tfl.nu/glym
  Replies (22) Good night (5168) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt. http://tfl.nu/bqwc
  Replies (27) Good night (3856) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK http://tfl.nu/1e7j
  Replies (4) Good night (2909) Bad night (574) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming. http://tfl.nu/nho3
  Replies (12) Good night (6781) Bad night (895) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times http://tfl.nu/be2v
  Replies (14) Good night (1545) Bad night (4330) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind. http://tfl.nu/8l0m
  Replies (57) Good night (12242) Bad night (860) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina http://tfl.nu/8dig
  Replies (28) Good night (1239) Bad night (2476) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged. http://tfl.nu/0scq
  Replies (2) Good night (1758) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  Who the fuck is this

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake (1-561): Who the fuck is this http://tfl.nu/nqou
  Replies (13) Good night (4539) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster? http://tfl.nu/pms2
  Replies (6) Good night (3041) Bad night (1023) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (231): I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic. http://tfl.nu/t71g
  Replies (12) Good night (3887) Bad night (639) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Previous statement retracted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe
  Replies (46) Good night (13141) Bad night (1126)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it. http://tfl.nu/eqvw
  Replies (66) Good night (1631) Bad night (3691) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  thus making me awesome and them whores

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): thus making me awesome and them whores http://tfl.nu/kdn8
  Replies (14) Good night (3158) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad. http://tfl.nu/pphf
  Replies (16) Good night (8278) Bad night (853) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE. http://tfl.nu/ipmq
  Replies (6) Good night (827) Bad night (999) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
  Replies (92) Good night (32266) Bad night (1605)
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me. http://tfl.nu/l22j
  Replies (11) Good night (4718) Bad night (1037) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut. http://tfl.nu/hcrb
  Replies (21) Good night (6316) Bad night (1084) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  i think i have herpe

  (1-916): View more from California

  just one?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): i think i have herpe (1-916): just one? http://tfl.nu/e1l6
  Replies (32) Good night (1031) Bad night (4452) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
  Replies (87) Good night (51294) Bad night (3140) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window. http://tfl.nu/6pvh
  Replies (35) Good night (1493) Bad night (8461) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

  (703): View more from Virginia

  well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days! (804): Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us! (703): well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted. http://tfl.nu/ybes
  Replies (48) Good night (5624) Bad night (703)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard". http://tfl.nu/w1c8
  Replies (19) Good night (6708) Bad night (884) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap http://tfl.nu/sdgt
  Replies (9) Good night (3530) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend http://tfl.nu/wdl5
  Replies (13) Good night (3183) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  Man I wish I had been there

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours. (1-314): Man I wish I had been there (314): Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again. http://tfl.nu/g53a
  Replies (11) Good night (2573) Bad night (486)
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

  (1-907): View more from Alaska

  Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy. (1-907): Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more.. http://tfl.nu/8g8e
  Replies (45) Good night (7299) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag. http://tfl.nu/8spr
  Replies (6) Good night (1076) Bad night (1853) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank. http://tfl.nu/5t9g
  Replies (1) Good night (917) Bad night (1695) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better. http://tfl.nu/z41g
  Replies (13) Good night (4450) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  we need to find an occasion to wear tutus

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): we need to find an occasion to wear tutus http://tfl.nu/4dk7
  Replies (17) Good night (1818) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+45): View more from Denmark

  Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+45): Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired. http://tfl.nu/rbaa
  Replies (9) Good night (4915) Bad night (919) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  will power is for people who don't want to get laid

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): will power is for people who don't want to get laid http://tfl.nu/uala
  Replies (22) Good night (3905) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"

  (913): View more from Kansas

  did you yell "are you not entertained?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude" (913): did you yell "are you not entertained?" http://tfl.nu/qa0j
  Replies (21) Good night (6833) Bad night (688)
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I tried to use my car keys to open my door

  (1-778): View more from British Columbia

  I just started a sentence with yellow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): I tried to use my car keys to open my door (1-778): I just started a sentence with yellow. http://tfl.nu/gagl
  Replies (9) Good night (1522) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

  (260): View more from Indiana

  He probs deserved it.

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Every good man does.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell. (260): He probs deserved it. (317): Every good man does. http://tfl.nu/4ma5
  Replies (32) Good night (5460) Bad night (1621)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  are you still at the devil's house?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): are you still at the devil's house? http://tfl.nu/bw8z
  Replies (4) Good night (1184) Bad night (1758) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that. http://tfl.nu/304s
  Replies (89) Good night (13757) Bad night (1061) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven. http://tfl.nu/u85e
  Replies (24) Good night (3025) Bad night (2371) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/j615
  Replies (4) Good night (962) Bad night (2008)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  youre welcome

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.." (1-201): youre welcome http://tfl.nu/sjha
  Replies (10) Good night (5583) Bad night (861)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level http://tfl.nu/uegr
  Replies (11) Good night (5238) Bad night (1177) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt. http://tfl.nu/ymql
  Replies (17) Good night (4541) Bad night (528)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  no drinking for a week

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): no drinking for a week (1-512): if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes http://tfl.nu/kuw5
  Replies (4) Good night (2555) Bad night (467) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line. http://tfl.nu/m4ec
  Replies (16) Good night (1139) Bad night (4437)
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?" http://tfl.nu/kb6v
  Replies (12) Good night (5534) Bad night (815) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire. http://tfl.nu/9p46
  Replies (12) Good night (4956) Bad night (977) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard. http://tfl.nu/iuc0
  Replies (20) Good night (4649) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable. http://tfl.nu/7b9p
  Replies (12) Good night (3334) Bad night (1473) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor. http://tfl.nu/1mpx
  Replies (26) Good night (5890) Bad night (526) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  Oh.My.God.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid (1-405): Oh.My.God. http://tfl.nu/b4yo
  Replies (32) Good night (635) Bad night (3704)
• Favorite

  (980): View more from North Carolina

  Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (980): Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened" http://tfl.nu/41rs
  Replies (12) Good night (3084) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

  (1-925): View more from California

  what are you doing with your life

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): 370HSSV 0773H read that upside down (1-925): what are you doing with your life http://tfl.nu/25tc
  Replies (19) Good night (4889) Bad night (1135) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was http://tfl.nu/84hp
  Replies (3) Good night (2265) Bad night (544) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will

  (714): View more from California

  and a girl gets the red ring of death every month

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will (714): and a girl gets the red ring of death every month http://tfl.nu/ybz8
  Replies (59) Good night (5846) Bad night (1192)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I murdered the dance floor call the cops

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): I murdered the dance floor call the cops http://tfl.nu/jwsp
  Replies (14) Good night (2108) Bad night (474) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am http://tfl.nu/u3w5
  Replies (4) Good night (977) Bad night (1267) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice http://tfl.nu/pivk
  Replies (8) Good night (3517) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat. http://tfl.nu/0ifj
  Replies (9) Good night (3472) Bad night (1594) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter? http://tfl.nu/1qb1
  Replies (19) Good night (4364) Bad night (607) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  whose oscar?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone (1-203): whose oscar? (203): the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month. http://tfl.nu/bpyh
  Replies (29) Good night (8711) Bad night (699)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see. http://tfl.nu/6fwn
  Replies (52) Good night (5107) Bad night (1215) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night. http://tfl.nu/phgw
  Replies (73) Good night (8361) Bad night (1290) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  You drink too much

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  No, I drink just the right amount - too often.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): You drink too much (1-561): No, I drink just the right amount - too often. http://tfl.nu/1oor
  Replies (2) Good night (2772) Bad night (469) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase http://tfl.nu/jdu6
  Replies (25) Good night (9144) Bad night (924) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though. http://tfl.nu/1gr0
  Replies (5) Good night (2360) Bad night (425) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus. http://tfl.nu/kpmf
  Replies (26) Good night (8886) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

  (419): View more from Ohio

  Is that considered a cock block?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me? (937): Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls. (419): Is that considered a cock block? http://tfl.nu/pjdr
  Replies (48) Good night (8471) Bad night (990)
• Favorite

  (903): View more from Texas

  I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (903): I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink. http://tfl.nu/zmqp
  Replies (13) Good night (4573) Bad night (697)
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore http://tfl.nu/upfn
  Replies (9) Good night (878) Bad night (1935) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (831): View more from California

  I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (831): I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am. http://tfl.nu/8xi2
  Replies (15) Good night (8751) Bad night (664) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list. http://tfl.nu/jt04
  Replies (6) Good night (3745) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason. http://tfl.nu/7b14
  Replies (12) Good night (3531) Bad night (1083) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I can feel you judging me through the phone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I can feel you judging me through the phone. http://tfl.nu/i7dh
  Replies (14) Good night (1120) Bad night (3363) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did! http://tfl.nu/gcyx
  Replies (26) Good night (3826) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore. http://tfl.nu/7ot8
  Replies (24) Good night (5547) Bad night (1589) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight. http://tfl.nu/8h1f
  Replies (7) Good night (2931) Bad night (450) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful? http://tfl.nu/v0si
  Replies (11) Good night (3241) Bad night (1177) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed. http://tfl.nu/im7o
  Replies (20) Good night (454) Bad night (2989) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk. http://tfl.nu/yadf
  Replies (16) Good night (7147) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five http://tfl.nu/co5b
  Replies (11) Good night (6382) Bad night (433) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy http://tfl.nu/dk85
  Replies (6) Good night (667) Bad night (1067) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.

  (305): View more from Florida

  Did you save them?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Who?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning. (305): Did you save them? (404): Who? http://tfl.nu/1xdf
  Replies (28) Good night (5395) Bad night (1057)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  My Higher Power is John Stamos

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): My Higher Power is John Stamos http://tfl.nu/1c78
  Replies (11) Good night (2095) Bad night (676) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever. http://tfl.nu/rwuq
  Replies (38) Good night (7065) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  So how was last night?

  (1-310): View more from California

  Let's just say I danced with the devil

  (310): View more from California

  Huh?

  (1-310): View more from California

  I'm going to Hell for sure

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310) So how was last night? (1-310) Let's just say I danced with the devil (310) Huh? (1-310) I'm going to Hell for sure http://tfl.nu/oh5v
  Replies (5) Good night (1191) Bad night (412)
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him. http://tfl.nu/b6v7
  Replies (49) Good night (8742) Bad night (851) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this. http://tfl.nu/u3zd
  Replies (46) Good night (9954) Bad night (1207)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman? http://tfl.nu/4514
  Replies (28) Good night (2288) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (409): View more from Texas

  white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (409): white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character http://tfl.nu/8uci
  Replies (13) Good night (6092) Bad night (833) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun http://tfl.nu/cluc
  Replies (18) Good night (7629) Bad night (549) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad. http://tfl.nu/80p7
  Replies (27) Good night (6339) Bad night (649) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick?? http://tfl.nu/vxvq
  Replies (12) Good night (3145) Bad night (1377) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr
  Replies (34) Good night (15517) Bad night (897)
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible http://tfl.nu/x1el
  Replies (8) Good night (4024) Bad night (1366) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell

  (310): View more from California

  my version of bright and sunny.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell (310): my version of bright and sunny. http://tfl.nu/6mbu
  Replies (4) Good night (1648) Bad night (441)
• Favorite

  (229): View more from Georgia

  this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.

  (1-229): View more from Georgia

  You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (229): this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair. (1-229): You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture? http://tfl.nu/5k8s
  Replies (55) Good night (1075) Bad night (3974)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader. http://tfl.nu/8khu
  Replies (13) Good night (3697) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets. http://tfl.nu/t3ff
  Replies (10) Good night (3654) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it. http://tfl.nu/atu5
  Replies (16) Good night (5704) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (478): View more from Georgia

  We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (478): We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out. http://tfl.nu/tea7
  Replies (14) Good night (7726) Bad night (1449) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

  (770): View more from Georgia

  WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama. (770): WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?! http://tfl.nu/mh7d
  Replies (49) Good night (1221) Bad night (6941)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels. http://tfl.nu/zmdk
  Replies (10) Good night (880) Bad night (1379) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified. http://tfl.nu/2va0
  Replies (27) Good night (5002) Bad night (794) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football" http://tfl.nu/o0mi
  Replies (19) Good night (5042) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad http://tfl.nu/x185
  Replies (15) Good night (985) Bad night (4000) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): All I need in life is some dick and a big mac. http://tfl.nu/2v25
  Replies (65) Good night (6313) Bad night (1268) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (857): Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?! http://tfl.nu/m6me
  Replies (15) Good night (464) Bad night (1158) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Because ur a stupid bitch

  (1-845): View more from New York

  Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Because ur a stupid bitch (1-845): Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch. http://tfl.nu/0sjk
  Replies (54) Good night (11188) Bad night (1077) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per." http://tfl.nu/jili
  Replies (6) Good night (3922) Bad night (572) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
  Replies (110) Good night (45985) Bad night (2487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box? http://tfl.nu/nvmk
  Replies (61) Good night (14416) Bad night (942) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.

  (650): View more from California

  I tried to assassinate the ginger baby

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide. (650): I tried to assassinate the ginger baby http://tfl.nu/c72u
  Replies (28) Good night (1655) Bad night (757)
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior. http://tfl.nu/48ho
  Replies (17) Good night (4977) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat" http://tfl.nu/yhqk
  Replies (30) Good night (4790) Bad night (799) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true http://tfl.nu/12zv
  Replies (34) Good night (5565) Bad night (742) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  Wait are they playing beer pong to?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule! (1-804): Wait are they playing beer pong to? http://tfl.nu/dq3n
  Replies (13) Good night (4577) Bad night (990) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever. http://tfl.nu/sfg3
  Replies (31) Good night (1227) Bad night (4067) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

  (1-619): View more from California

  I am not bailing you of of jail

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now.. (1-619): I am not bailing you of of jail http://tfl.nu/exjk
  Replies (19) Good night (6231) Bad night (1066) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions." http://tfl.nu/c9eh
  Replies (18) Good night (5029) Bad night (849) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
  Replies (206) Good night (51701) Bad night (2735) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling. (1-904): It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that. http://tfl.nu/i3bg
  Replies (28)