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THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Are my feet made of real feet?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
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