Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
this will be a night to untag.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Favorite