thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
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