Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Favorite