He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Send us your Text From Last Night!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
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