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Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We just shotgunned beers for America
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
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