I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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