Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you told grandpa to call you daddy
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
Favorite
Favorite