I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
it glows. i had to have it.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The beer is more important than you right now.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She's allergic to latex.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
bring money and cleavage
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go