I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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