Texts From Last Night · Stifler23's Favorites

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Stifler23's Favorites Texts:

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(585): View more from New York

Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle

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(509): View more from Washington

While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"

(678): View more from Georgia

Is this an intervention?

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(512): View more from Texas

hey the jello shots wont freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

How much Everclear did you put in them?

(512): View more from Texas

uhhh all of it

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I just blew my weed a kiss

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(812): View more from Indiana

Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.

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(914): View more from New York

I had to rip your toilet paper for you...

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(254): View more from Texas

Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story

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(425): View more from Washington

I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge

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(281): View more from Texas

Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.

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(847): View more from Illinois

This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

ROADTRIP.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore

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(334): View more from Alabama

Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?

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(805): View more from California

Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.

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(714): View more from California

I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers

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(705): View more from Ontario

Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(

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(501): View more from Arkansas

The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.

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(509): View more from Washington

We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face

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(913): View more from Kansas

Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.

(816): View more from Missouri

Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????

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(908): View more from New Jersey

And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned

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(845): View more from New York

Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.

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(904): View more from Florida

The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!

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(302): View more from Delaware

I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight

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(206): View more from Washington

Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...

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(248): View more from Michigan

its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in

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(734): View more from Michigan

He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.

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(571): View more from Virginia

You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?

(315): View more from New York

Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.

(630): View more from Illinois

As weird as it sounds I would totally be down

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(760): View more from California

Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.

(818): View more from California

That was one of the best texts I got today

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(813): View more from Florida

Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.

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(914): View more from New York

Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"

(1-914): View more from New York

New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak

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(616): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.

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(727): View more from Florida

She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.

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(631): View more from New York

Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.

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(740): View more from Ohio

There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.

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(251): View more from Alabama

PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.

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(407): View more from Florida

When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(607): View more from New York

Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester

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(301): View more from Maryland

"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse

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(512): View more from Texas

We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.

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(657): View more from California

He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.

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(309): View more from Illinois

new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.

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(971): View more from Oregon

you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do I really need this much space in my mouth?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Are you already high?

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(760): View more from California

Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly

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(607): View more from New York

I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.

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(301): View more from Maryland

If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy

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(530): View more from California

My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed

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(914): View more from New York

2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am

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(812): View more from Indiana

Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina

(513): View more from Ohio

Post that event on your timeline

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

10 points to you

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(419): View more from Ohio

So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!

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(607): View more from New York

How high are you?

(413): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.

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(406): View more from Montana

Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

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(317): View more from Indiana

So did he inherit the massive family cock?

(1-317): View more from Indiana

:(

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(804): View more from Virginia

I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!

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(937): View more from Ohio

BoomCity!!!

(1-937): View more from Ohio

You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.

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(214): View more from Texas

After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count

(516): View more from New York

then nothing in my life counts

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(207): View more from Maine

Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....

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(434): View more from Virginia

I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Dude you were ten when he graduated

(434): View more from Virginia

Wahoowaaaaaaa

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI

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(319): View more from Iowa

WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

(1-319): View more from Iowa

THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Bang-toberfest begins!!

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(912): View more from Georgia

Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.

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(760): View more from California

Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

(818): View more from California

Because it is cat.

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(627): View more from California

The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...

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(845): View more from New York

On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.

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(503): View more from Oregon

get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears

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(785): View more from Kansas

You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five

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(427): View more from

Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.

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(817): View more from Texas

And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"

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(614): View more from Ohio

The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Are you really alive right now?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that

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(301): View more from Maryland

The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...

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(217): View more from Illinois

The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..

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(773): View more from Illinois

You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.

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(620): View more from Kansas

We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.

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(845): View more from New York

i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

You have found the Promised Land of friend zones

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(512): View more from Texas

She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.

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(817): View more from Texas

Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze

(713): View more from Texas

My liver has a boner

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now

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(317): View more from Indiana

It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.

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(817): View more from Texas

Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.

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(352): View more from Florida

Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"

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(208): View more from Idaho

I don't wanna be gay for a night.

(850): View more from Florida

I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair

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(214): View more from Texas

Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.

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(650): View more from California

I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"

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(971): View more from Oregon

I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.

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(206): View more from Washington

That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods

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(530): View more from California

Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it

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(949): View more from California

I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice

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(865): View more from Tennessee

God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.

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(406): View more from Montana

Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?

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(214): View more from Texas

Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

(1-214): View more from Texas

I love you.

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(661): View more from California

He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.

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(650): View more from California

Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.

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(626): View more from California

Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy

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(785): View more from Kansas

Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?

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(443): View more from Maryland

i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

It's after 5, it's not day drinking.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.

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(315): View more from New York

you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.

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(850): View more from Florida

I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You need to be more adventurous.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way

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(843): View more from South Carolina

When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.

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(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(831): View more from California

if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please

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(623): View more from Arizona

We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.

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(734): View more from Michigan

the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today

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(408): View more from California

Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship

(817): View more from Texas

Last one there wins

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(457): View more from

Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though

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(706): View more from Georgia

You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.

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(917): View more from New York City

The cops raided her house the day before class even started

(1-917): View more from New York City

Those assholes are becoming so efficient

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face

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(585): View more from New York

N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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(561): View more from Florida

She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.

(315): View more from New York

How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??

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(909): View more from California

I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused

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(562): View more from California

We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable

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(847): View more from Illinois

Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad

(1-613): View more from Ontario

I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear

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(417): View more from Missouri

Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?

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(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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(217): View more from Illinois

sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.

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(760): View more from California

You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today

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(410): View more from Maryland

Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.

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(727): View more from Florida

This is John, I met you downtown last night.

(407): View more from Florida

Oh, ok.

(727): View more from Florida

This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night

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(813): View more from Florida

Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...

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(214): View more from Texas

You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.

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(512): View more from Texas

My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Love me.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just for one nugget?

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(248): View more from Michigan

He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.

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(813): View more from Florida

A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest

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(512): View more from Texas

I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.

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(607): View more from New York

You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement

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(785): View more from Kansas

The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.

(1-785): View more from Kansas

i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man

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(682): View more from Texas

Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"

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(708): View more from Illinois

First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You okay?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread

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(207): View more from Maine

When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.

(1-207): View more from Maine

That's not what Jesus is for

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(519): View more from Ontario

All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?

(702): View more from Nevada

Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.

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(310): View more from California

I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

That is a hangover

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I would prefer a headache

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(336): View more from North Carolina

She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.

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(607): View more from New York

I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.

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(956): View more from Texas

One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth

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(248): View more from Michigan

You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.

(336): View more from North Carolina

You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.

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(925): View more from California

crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

(1-925): View more from California

YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

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(312): View more from Illinois

When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?

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(416): View more from Toronto

It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand

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(940): View more from Texas

He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

I wish I could understand how you function in society

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(516): View more from New York

Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.

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(904): View more from Florida

That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.

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(903): View more from Texas

I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.

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(415): View more from California

Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.

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(205): View more from Alabama

High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Here's my first problem: I'm drunk

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

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(817): View more from Texas

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.

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(207): View more from Maine

we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

But you'll make an exception

(908): View more from New Jersey

probably not

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.

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(512): View more from Texas

I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July

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(810): View more from Michigan

Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

In some strange universe, yes

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech

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(516): View more from New York

We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds

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(778): View more from British Columbia

She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.

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(618): View more from Illinois

the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now

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(954): View more from Florida

You pretty much isn't said it

(404): View more from Georgia

Those words don't go together.

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(916): View more from California

1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.

(707): View more from California

*roof

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(905): View more from Ontario

I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I wish I could just hang out in ERs.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?

(913): View more from Kansas

Is that weird?

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.

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(815): View more from Illinois

High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...

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(807): View more from Ontario

My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.

(1-807): View more from Ontario

I don't see the problem

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(909): View more from California

I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.

(1-909): View more from California

Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.

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(281): View more from Texas

If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.

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(786): View more from Florida

What vodka is american?

(1-786): View more from Florida

Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.

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(785): View more from Kansas

What drink are we having for lunch?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit

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(575): View more from New Mexico

He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year

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(808): View more from Hawaii

My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.

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(714): View more from California

I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed

(949): View more from California

Someone's stooooned

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(407): View more from Florida

I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...

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(817): View more from Texas

Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?

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(519): View more from Ontario

you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(914): View more from New York

Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless

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(928): View more from Arizona

If this party got busted it would be an improvement

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(330): View more from Ohio

You have plans tonight?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope

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(630): View more from Illinois

Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake

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(613): View more from Ontario

Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?

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(850): View more from Florida

If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.

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(858): View more from California

This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.

(847): View more from Illinois

I don't even know what to say right now

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(636): View more from Missouri

I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.

(636): View more from Missouri

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?

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(703): View more from Virginia

You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...

(410): View more from Maryland

I didn't know

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(619): View more from California

My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.

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(940): View more from Texas

Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?

(940): View more from Texas

Is this a story I am going to hate you for?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.

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(719): View more from Colorado

We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So Monday we're lesbians.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"

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(828): View more from North Carolina

They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.

(330): View more from Ohio

Dude what the fuck...

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(443): View more from Maryland

Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.

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(404): View more from Georgia

And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

So the keyword here is "hammered"?

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(850): View more from Florida

I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.

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(310): View more from California

My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.

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(386): View more from Florida

I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.

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(248): View more from Michigan

What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central

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(972): View more from Texas

The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You're an idiot.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.

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(949): View more from California

So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop

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(925): View more from California

Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.

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(831): View more from California

Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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(914): View more from New York

he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did

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(251): View more from Alabama

my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(602): View more from Arizona

Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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(469): View more from Texas

You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels

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(208): View more from Idaho

If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking

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(252): View more from North Carolina

i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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(561): View more from Florida

I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?

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(650): View more from California

My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.

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(714): View more from California

i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo

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(630): View more from Illinois

I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best

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(512): View more from Texas

I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You would be my first round pick for a drinking team

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(661): View more from California

Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs

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(+61): View more from Australia

You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.

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(707): View more from California

Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.

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(949): View more from California

Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

How bad is the voicemail?

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.

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(740): View more from Ohio

do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.

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(360): View more from Washington

Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.

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(956): View more from Texas

Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of champions

(423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of stoners

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(818): View more from California

So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth

(323): View more from California

Gross

(818): View more from California

AN ACTUAL PICKLE

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(480): View more from Arizona

I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers

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(904): View more from Florida

Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions

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(860): View more from Connecticut

They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Let's drink?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.

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(208): View more from Idaho

You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr

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(314): View more from Missouri

Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.

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(850): View more from Florida

Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

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(509): View more from Washington

I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions

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(875): View more from

I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now

(440): View more from Ohio

Ps I am

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(720): View more from Colorado

Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.

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(562): View more from California

I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you

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(509): View more from Washington

Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?

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(810): View more from Michigan

if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!

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(302): View more from Delaware

Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.

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(206): View more from Washington

I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I'm out of town so we should be golden.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.

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(569): View more from

I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome

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(212): View more from New York

He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.

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(850): View more from Florida

I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?

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(513): View more from Ohio

We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving

(301): View more from Maryland

He didn't think we needed a taxi

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(406): View more from Montana

So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?

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(830): View more from Texas

Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

(774): View more from Massachusetts

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?

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(317): View more from Indiana

He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him

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(708): View more from Illinois

Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?

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(301): View more from Maryland

sorry

(304): View more from West Virginia

why?

(301): View more from Maryland

oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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(219): View more from Indiana

If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.

(301): View more from Maryland

Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

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(815): View more from Illinois

This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Totally acceptable.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already

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(315): View more from New York

Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?

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(313): View more from Michigan

its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.

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(904): View more from Florida

You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.

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(251): View more from Alabama

why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.

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(863): View more from Florida

our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane

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(540): View more from Virginia

I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.

(732): View more from New Jersey

Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.

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(914): View more from New York

Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.

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(979): View more from Texas

Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.

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(954): View more from Florida

I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?

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(760): View more from California

My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.

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(303): View more from Colorado

There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Agreed.

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(561): View more from Florida

I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined

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(720): View more from Colorado

Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?

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(917): View more from New York City

hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.

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(707): View more from California

do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me

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(217): View more from Illinois

I feel a five day drunk coming on.

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(513): View more from Ohio

One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(714): View more from California

you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.

(314): View more from Missouri

Come down off the roof.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.

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(775): View more from Nevada

The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"

(1-775): View more from Nevada

At least you got your shooes

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(289): View more from Ontario

If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.

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(323): View more from California

Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

This is love.

(860): View more from Connecticut

Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?

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(343): View more from Ontario

Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just can't deal with that sentence

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(907): View more from Alaska

Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't they always?

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(212): View more from New York

Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days

(1-308): View more from Nebraska

Are you goin to rehab again?

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(513): View more from Ohio

We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix

(1-513): View more from Ohio

You need to not admit that.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection

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(443): View more from Maryland

Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.

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(310): View more from California

Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12

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(419): View more from Ohio

Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.

(216): View more from Ohio

this is the second day in a row.

(330): View more from Ohio

Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.

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(847): View more from Illinois

there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.

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(214): View more from Texas

So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

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(229): View more from Georgia

As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sex on roller skates

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Floating mattress

(301): View more from Maryland

Tie

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies

(612): View more from Minnesota

Stop drinking before 5

(651): View more from Minnesota

Easier said than done

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever

(509): View more from Washington

but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid

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(623): View more from Arizona

Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts

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(775): View more from Nevada

Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico

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(561): View more from Florida

well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.

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(425): View more from Washington

It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.

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(251): View more from Alabama

THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.

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(845): View more from New York

Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup

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(858): View more from California

I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake

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(209): View more from California

His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun

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(847): View more from Illinois

i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots

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(217): View more from Illinois

i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home

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(623): View more from Arizona

Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did she buy you pizza?

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(623): View more from Arizona

Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk

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(916): View more from California

I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

(1-916): View more from California

Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.

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(845): View more from New York

Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

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(303): View more from Colorado

How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?

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(516): View more from New York

I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.

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(616): View more from Michigan

She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"

(239): View more from Florida

I am the fairy godmother of the drink.

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(512): View more from Texas

I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position

(1-512): View more from Texas

I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.

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(850): View more from Florida

Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.

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(937): View more from Ohio

as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She puked her nose ring out of her face.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

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(713): View more from Texas

My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater

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(417): View more from Missouri

Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.

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(512): View more from Texas

Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

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(626): View more from California

I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...

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(812): View more from Indiana

Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

...the American dream.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.

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(940): View more from Texas

She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.

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(+33): View more from France

So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home

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(214): View more from Texas

i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.

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(586): View more from Michigan

We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.

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(813): View more from Florida

Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.

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(425): View more from Washington

You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

(206): View more from Washington

The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

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(276): View more from Virginia

I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....

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(573): View more from Missouri

Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me

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(714): View more from California

Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.

(1-714): View more from California

This is why we're friends.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars

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(425): View more from Washington

I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.

(1-425): View more from Washington

I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I love you more with every blowjob.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

You should write for Hallmark.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!

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(775): View more from Nevada

If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

FUCK YOU MAN

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(573): View more from Missouri

Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.

(1-573): View more from Missouri

Mardi gras at its finest.

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(765): View more from Indiana

We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...

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(514): View more from Quebec

So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.

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(626): View more from California

I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

Yes and yes

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(304): View more from West Virginia

ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP

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(714): View more from California

I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.

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(713): View more from Texas

Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.

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(772): View more from Florida

So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

tell her thanks so much

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(719): View more from Colorado

U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..

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(973): View more from New Jersey

wine lets you be on time to class apparently

(619): View more from California

This is a dangerous realization

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(206): View more from Washington

What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

You are such a penis elitist

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(816): View more from Missouri

I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.

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(760): View more from California

But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy

(530): View more from California

I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast

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(319): View more from Iowa

Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.

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(831): View more from California

I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.

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(469): View more from Texas

Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

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(703): View more from Virginia

Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.

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(906): View more from Michigan

It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.

(1-906): View more from Michigan

Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you

(571): View more from Virginia

Bonus points are bonus points regardless

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(915): View more from Texas

With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

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(478): View more from Georgia

He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.

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(315): View more from New York

The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....

(507): View more from Minnesota

.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....

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(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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(770): View more from Georgia

We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.

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(641): View more from Iowa

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area

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(586): View more from Michigan

I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

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(862): View more from New Jersey

woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic

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(770): View more from Georgia

Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.

(504): View more from Louisiana

A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.

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(970): View more from Colorado

That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".

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(404): View more from Georgia

my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up

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(301): View more from Maryland

why would you automatically assume i'm high...

(240): View more from Maryland

you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.

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(940): View more from Texas

Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair

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(716): View more from New York

it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.

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(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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(239): View more from Florida

Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.

(801): View more from Utah

Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.

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(619): View more from California

How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?

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(544): View more from

I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.

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(585): View more from New York

The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.

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(905): View more from Ontario

you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..

(587): View more from Alberta

Wow. We're meant to be..

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

(434): View more from Virginia

Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

U took a sewing needle to his nipple

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Psshh,

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(205): View more from Alabama

Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you said candy land and then passed out.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.

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(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

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(951): View more from California

Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.

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(949): View more from California

I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.

(949): View more from California

In a moving vehicle and other people in the car

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

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(406): View more from Montana

Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift

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(916): View more from California

This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.

(831): View more from California

How much did you smoke??

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(618): View more from Illinois

I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately

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(706): View more from Georgia

I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level

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(407): View more from Florida

Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs

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(310): View more from California

How was the party last night?

(314): View more from Missouri

There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.

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(509): View more from Washington

We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"

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(407): View more from Florida

I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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(254): View more from Texas

Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I have got to meet this girl.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?

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(773): View more from Illinois

All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.

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(909): View more from California

I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(310): View more from California

Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.

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(903): View more from Texas

He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding

(541): View more from Oregon

Can I have him when you're done?

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(210): View more from Texas

We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I was tackling you out of excitement

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.

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(917): View more from New York City

She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...

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(727): View more from Florida

Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?

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(949): View more from California

The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

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(530): View more from California

Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.

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(949): View more from California

Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym

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(678): View more from Georgia

When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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(248): View more from Michigan

THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.

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(509): View more from Washington

no you're not allowed back

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?

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(330): View more from Ohio

It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?

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(509): View more from Washington

Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart

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(314): View more from Missouri

Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!

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(260): View more from Indiana

He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF

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(310): View more from California

I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.

(1-310): View more from California

Make one for john too.

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(801): View more from Utah

When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

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(408): View more from California

Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.

(831): View more from California

You did a keg stand on the toilet?!

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus

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(631): View more from New York

In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.

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(912): View more from Georgia

thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.

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(515): View more from Iowa

you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

(713): View more from Texas

So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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(819): View more from Quebec

The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours

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(720): View more from Colorado

My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

It's been a bad semester.

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(716): View more from New York

When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Are we still banned from the library?

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(928): View more from Arizona

He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?

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(303): View more from Colorado

im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.

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(734): View more from Michigan

If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...

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(817): View more from Texas

there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.

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(716): View more from New York

Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.

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(284): View more from British V.I.-Carib

they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.

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(323): View more from California

He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(914): View more from New York

Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

How was your weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.

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(909): View more from California

he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.

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(818): View more from California

I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.

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(626): View more from California

I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?

(949): View more from California

OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.

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(415): View more from California

I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week

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(208): View more from Idaho

I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear

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(+33): View more from France

We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?

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(483): View more from

Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?

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(904): View more from Florida

If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?

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(775): View more from Nevada

She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore

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(248): View more from Michigan

We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens

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(248): View more from Michigan

Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

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(954): View more from Florida

well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.

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(407): View more from Florida

I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?

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(720): View more from Colorado

You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.

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(914): View more from New York

We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.

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(281): View more from Texas

that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility

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(530): View more from California

TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs

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(641): View more from Iowa

you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts

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(604): View more from British Columbia

That was an excessively violent trivia night

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(778): View more from British Columbia

i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Mom said you looked used

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?

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(251): View more from Alabama

How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?

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(530): View more from California

it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.

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(772): View more from Florida

You're fine

(585): View more from New York

I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.

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(708): View more from Illinois

They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.

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(650): View more from California

I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how bad is she

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

captain morgan with tits

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(843): View more from South Carolina

There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.

(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.

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(435): View more from Utah

For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just Tebowed the shit out of her.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.

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(661): View more from California

What a dumb baby whore.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You slow clapped the stripper last night.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.

(648): View more from

100%

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..

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(530): View more from California

The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.

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(937): View more from Ohio

We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon

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(845): View more from New York

you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.

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(773): View more from Illinois

No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.

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(707): View more from California

I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.

(1-707): View more from California

Put down the everclear and go to bed.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?

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(585): View more from New York

You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"

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(870): View more from Arkansas

If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

You always know what to say to make me feel better.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class

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(231): View more from Michigan

Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?

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(916): View more from California

I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.

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(509): View more from Washington

I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate

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(716): View more from New York

OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.

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(806): View more from Texas

Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season

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(573): View more from Missouri

Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"

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(740): View more from Ohio

This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

(847): View more from Illinois

Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

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(970): View more from Colorado

im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.

(303): View more from Colorado

i dont think thats healthy man...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?

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(713): View more from Texas

He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.

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(607): View more from New York

I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!

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(915): View more from Texas

Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.

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(619): View more from California

you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.

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(661): View more from California

I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.

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(914): View more from New York

You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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(516): View more from New York

1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.

(516): View more from New York

By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?

(636): View more from Missouri

Wtf did you do last night?

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

He does that

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(585): View more from New York

He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."

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(520): View more from Arizona

One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.

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(206): View more from Washington

So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?

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(714): View more from California

my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.

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(540): View more from Virginia

come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol

(540): View more from Virginia

its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home

(647): View more from Ontario

Was he satisfied?

(416): View more from Toronto

No, and very vocal about it.

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(515): View more from Iowa

im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You threw up with your ski mask on still.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?

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(916): View more from California

If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.

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(631): View more from New York

Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying

(1-631): View more from New York

Oh good your over him

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(802): View more from Vermont

So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?

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(478): View more from Georgia

You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable

(318): View more from Louisiana

You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.

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(916): View more from California

You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.

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(909): View more from California

and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

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(847): View more from Illinois

That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.

(847): View more from Illinois

You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(513): View more from Ohio

chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.

(513): View more from Ohio

Who are you high with right now?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

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(620): View more from Kansas

And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.

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(571): View more from Virginia

It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text

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(817): View more from Texas

No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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(917): View more from New York City

every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.

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(562): View more from California

as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.

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(253): View more from Washington

they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.

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(850): View more from Florida

I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance

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(503): View more from Oregon

I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.

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(314): View more from Missouri

This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.

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(703): View more from Virginia

you seemed to enjoy falling down hill

(540): View more from Virginia

wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint

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(913): View more from Kansas

He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.

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(415): View more from California

just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.

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(818): View more from California

Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.

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(214): View more from Texas

My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.

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(407): View more from Florida

My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.

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(949): View more from California

Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college

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(614): View more from Ohio

Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday

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(908): View more from New Jersey

How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.

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(905): View more from Ontario

he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.

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(917): View more from New York City

My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case

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(516): View more from New York

The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.

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(361): View more from Texas

Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.

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(314): View more from Missouri

She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?

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(406): View more from Montana

You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.

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(407): View more from Florida

Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon

(407): View more from Florida

Covered in confetti and bad decisions

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(630): View more from Illinois

So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.

(319): View more from Iowa

You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.

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(519): View more from Ontario

isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?

(416): View more from Toronto

yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.

(519): View more from Ontario

next time on intervention

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?

(859): View more from Kentucky

i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.

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(904): View more from Florida

the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless

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(949): View more from California

So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out

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(360): View more from Washington

There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here

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(802): View more from Vermont

I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.

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(513): View more from Ohio

They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that

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(+61): View more from Australia

remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.

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(914): View more from New York

Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.

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(516): View more from New York

If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles

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(916): View more from California

You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".

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(207): View more from Maine

If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...

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(303): View more from Colorado

When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes

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(518): View more from New York

#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE

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(469): View more from Texas

I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.

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(330): View more from Ohio

she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot

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(618): View more from Illinois

You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Guess what happened to me today at work?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

I have chlamydia. What happened.

(734): View more from Michigan

Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.

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(818): View more from California

Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.

(773): View more from Illinois

We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?

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(914): View more from New York

I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.

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(785): View more from Kansas

She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?

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(330): View more from Ohio

its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays

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(402): View more from Nebraska

let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.

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(510): View more from California

Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?

(1-913): View more from Kansas

I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.

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(303): View more from Colorado

U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.

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(563): View more from Iowa

My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"

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(818): View more from California

we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame

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(254): View more from Texas

Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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(703): View more from Virginia

if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless

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(586): View more from Michigan

Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?

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(720): View more from Colorado

As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.

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(+22): View more from

Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think

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(806): View more from Texas

No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

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(219): View more from Indiana

How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(714): View more from California

You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry

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(850): View more from Florida

His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.

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(+82): View more from South Korea

I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.

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(705): View more from Ontario

He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(619): View more from California

You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.

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(512): View more from Texas

Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own

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(574): View more from Indiana

all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.

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(613): View more from Ontario

come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I left it in that guy's dorm room.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons

(702): View more from Nevada

Does that work!! Please say yes

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed

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(503): View more from Oregon

We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days

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(765): View more from Indiana

I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.

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(831): View more from California

sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.

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(309): View more from Illinois

You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background

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(517): View more from Michigan

I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

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(785): View more from Kansas

That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.

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(817): View more from Texas

It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses

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(778): View more from British Columbia

nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table

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(330): View more from Ohio

Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.

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(315): View more from New York

mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..

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(765): View more from Indiana

Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.

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(310): View more from California

Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement

(310): View more from California

oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

You did this to yourself.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this

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(219): View more from Indiana

You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.

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(979): View more from Texas

For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.

(512): View more from Texas

You. Win. At. Life.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."

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(540): View more from Virginia

I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.

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(631): View more from New York

We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts

(1-631): View more from New York

Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you are the most awesome.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(317): View more from Indiana

on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?

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(914): View more from New York

Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.

(701): View more from North Dakota

The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.

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(530): View more from California

I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.

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(239): View more from Florida

I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.

(1-239): View more from Florida

I told you I'd buy you lunch.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.

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(587): View more from Alberta

My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween

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(216): View more from Ohio

The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Why?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."

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(972): View more from Texas

Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

What can I say, I'm a giver.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to celebrate with you...

(214): View more from Texas

There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.

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(209): View more from California

We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.

(1-209): View more from California

Duh.

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(845): View more from New York

She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.

(1-845): View more from New York

she is way to in-touch with her childhood

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't. I will literally throw up my liver

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both

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(319): View more from Iowa

After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..

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(925): View more from California

i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room

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(843): View more from South Carolina

My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.

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(713): View more from Texas

Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.

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(925): View more from California

She still cant shoot whiskey?

(925): View more from California

Im having serious doubts about this relationship

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure

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(845): View more from New York

Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self

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(910): View more from North Carolina

This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.

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(925): View more from California

Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.

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(914): View more from New York

He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.

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(817): View more from Texas

We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".

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(925): View more from California

Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?

(1-925): View more from California

Come on man nobody wants to admit that

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(434): View more from Virginia

I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew

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(310): View more from California

Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN

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(314): View more from Missouri

You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.

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(207): View more from Maine

Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????

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(585): View more from New York

I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams

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(205): View more from Alabama

How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?

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(410): View more from Maryland

why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.

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(480): View more from Arizona

This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.

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(989): View more from Michigan

From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry

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(716): View more from New York

you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement

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(512): View more from Texas

You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.

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(315): View more from New York

I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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(937): View more from Ohio

I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.

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(770): View more from Georgia

good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.

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(512): View more from Texas

I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth

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(206): View more from Washington

So. She dumped me today.

(425): View more from Washington

Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".

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(419): View more from Ohio

who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though

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(810): View more from Michigan

You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"

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(618): View more from Illinois

His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(347): View more from New York

He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.

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(807): View more from Ontario

If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.

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(641): View more from Iowa

This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.

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(847): View more from Illinois

hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.

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(442): View more from California

While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(574): View more from Indiana

should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.

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(937): View more from Ohio

They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.

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(562): View more from California

don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

SMART GIRL

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(407): View more from Florida

Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning

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(517): View more from Michigan

This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.

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(812): View more from Indiana

They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal

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(952): View more from Minnesota

nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.

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(209): View more from California

This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!

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(310): View more from California

I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one

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(805): View more from California

How much is that going to cost?

(1-805): View more from California

A lot of beer.

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(801): View more from Utah

Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college

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(416): View more from Toronto

Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

You're welcome.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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(404): View more from Georgia

im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level

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(516): View more from New York

you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.

(1-516): View more from New York

right. well we all have our lows.

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(217): View more from Illinois

He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..

(1-217): View more from Illinois

YOU would be the Freshman Expirence

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(760): View more from California

And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist

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(206): View more from Washington

college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer

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(443): View more from Maryland

i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic

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(512): View more from Texas

I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.

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(818): View more from California

He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.

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(831): View more from California

There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.

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(928): View more from Arizona

If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wait

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(313): View more from Michigan

They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?

(289): View more from Ontario

You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.

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(716): View more from New York

just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night

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(512): View more from Texas

I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.

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(206): View more from Washington

LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(317): View more from Indiana

why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.

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(406): View more from Montana

Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.

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(914): View more from New York

He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.

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(914): View more from New York

They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Run away.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?

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(636): View more from Missouri

I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...

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(773): View more from Illinois

Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?

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(510): View more from California

I'm trying to make a sex playlist

(916): View more from California

record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.

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(713): View more from Texas

Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made

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(859): View more from Kentucky

will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour

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(303): View more from Colorado

How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?

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(816): View more from Missouri

You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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(+61): View more from Australia

How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.

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(806): View more from Texas

I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks

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(562): View more from California

The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Parents weekend was a success.

(973): View more from New Jersey

Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...

(804): View more from Virginia

Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.

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(845): View more from New York

officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.

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(858): View more from California

No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.

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(845): View more from New York

I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try

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(773): View more from Illinois

We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

(1+44): View more from

That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase

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(901): View more from Tennessee

mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.

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(712): View more from Iowa

You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.

(712): View more from Iowa

On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Where was your thought process?

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

Drowning in my hangover.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(805): View more from California

I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...

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(586): View more from Michigan

I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.

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(244): View more from

There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other

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(607): View more from New York

Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis

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(386): View more from Florida

Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.

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(949): View more from California

I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here

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(916): View more from California

You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now

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(513): View more from Ohio

I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?

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