hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
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