I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
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I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
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