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I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
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