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I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I didn't notice because vodka
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like death gave me a hand job
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
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