I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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