Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
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