Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We are two peas in an std pod
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Why is your signature on my underwear?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
a search helicopter?!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Plan B is the new Plan A
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
she peed on how many people?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Favorite
Favorite