Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
a search helicopter?!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
two words...techno handjob
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Actions speak louder than pants.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
it glows. i had to have it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she peed on how many people?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.