I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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