Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
last night I used snow as a chaser
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
