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some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She's the barista slut.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's never too late to be topless.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Me too!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My pussy is not your playground.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
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