So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
His hands were made for my vagina.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
bring money and cleavage
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Operation Purity has been aborted
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk