Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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