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hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You can't special order awesome
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
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