my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
