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MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How external is "for external use only"?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
there's paper in my vomit.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
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