In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Loading more great texts...