Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Favorite