I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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