You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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