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Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
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