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Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
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