the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
