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2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Let's paint friendship bongs
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm lost and stupid without you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
zippers are such a cool invention
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
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