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Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I will be naked everywhere
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is it because I queefed?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I think i peed on brittanys purse
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
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