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I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We had to coat check the pizza.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
it's like iHOP with fire
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
please come you make the beer taste better
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I am in a vortex of obligation.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I think my vagina is haunted
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
porn star boner night. come get it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
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