I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Loading more great texts...