I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
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I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
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